#FridayFlash: Volume 3: The Bites of Love

Volume 3: The Bites of Love

by Tony Noland

"So, she was all like, 'Well, what did you think? Pretty good, huh?' and I was like, girlfrenemy, you need to get the meds ADJUSTED! Your quote unquote book sucks!" Brittany ("Brit" to her bffs, and "Brittania" to her vbffs) added an extra hair flip to her eyeroll, to emphasis her point.

"Bitch, you did NOT say that! You did NOT say that! You're such a cunt, 'tania!" Only Brittany's vvVbffs got to call her "'tania", and Harmony was *totally* Brittany's vvVbff. They had been together since, like, forever, or like third grade or something.

"Of course I didn't say it TO her. I was all like, oh, yeah, Chandra, it's like, really good! Especially that part where the mean vampire is trying to bite Melissa, and the good vampire fights him off and then kisses Melissa's hand before disappearing into the night? And she gives him her scarf that smells like her perfume? That was like, so so SO romantic!" Brittany snorted. "And the whole time, I was like, a fucking scarf? Please! Kevin wants a blowjob every time he opens a door for me! And if he were ever, like to get into an actual fight and have to, like, actually fight off some guy who was trying to rape me or something? Jeez, I'd be on my back for like, a year! Maybe if Chandra had ever like, had a single date in her LIFE she would know what boys expect."

Harmony waved the stir stick from her mocha cinnamon latte in front of her, slicing through the air as though drawing a line through Chandra's name. "Too. Much. Reading."

"Absofuckinglutely. And you know what she said to me?" Harmony (whose bffs called her "Harmon", and whose vbffs called her either "Whore" or "Whorehouse") shook her head. "What that bitch said to me, TO ME, House," said Brittany (who was a reciprocal vvVbff of Harmony's), "was that she was glad I liked it, but that she wasn't going to make any of the changes I suggested since she'd already 'formatted it'. And I was all like, 'formatted it'? What the fuck does that mean? And she started talking about Kindles and Nooks and digital this and self-publish that, and I was like, then fuck you, bitch, why'd you ask me to read it if you didn't want me to tell you how to make it better?"

"God, what a cunt!"

"Like a total cunt! Like, as cunt as a cunt can be! You know she is actually going to try to sell that thing? Like, actually, really, truly, like, FOR REAL sell that book online at Amazon? And, get this, you know what she said?"

Harmony shook her head again, her silver hoop earrings tinkling with the movement.

"She said it's her third book!" Brittany's voice was high with outrage. "Her third book! And she put the other ones up for sale, too. She said how, like, people were asking her for another book so she wrote this one faster than she expected to. I was like, oh, that's great, how cool, how awesome for you, as though it was all like a big deal or something. And when I asked her if the other books were about vampires too, you know what that bitch did? She looked at me like I was stupid and was like, well, duh, of course they are. And I was like, well, damn, bitch, how the fuck was I supposed to know this was the third book in a series? It's not like it says, 'This Is The Third Book In A Series' in the beginning. Then she was all like, didn't I notice how the characters kept referring back to previous events and didn't I wonder why the good vampire and the bad vampire teamed up to save Melissa and blah blah blah about the love triangle and stuff?" Brittany picked up her clove-mulberry chai and sipped it. "God what a stupid bitch. I hope she chokes on that book."

"Oh, forget it," said Harmony, "it's just a electronic Kindle thing. It's not like it's a real book."

===== Feel free to comment on this or any other post.


  1. I loved all the bffs and vbffs. LOL And the last line where it's not a real book? LOL

    But I have to say - Go, Chandra, her readers want more books from her.

  2. They're gonna, like, get totally pwned when Chandra comes around in her new Z3 convertible!

    Thing is, you have to be a writer to appreciate this as much as I did — lotsa in-jokes, y'know, like totally!

  3. Just pour boiling oil into their booth, please. I knew it was dark times at "girlfrenemy."

  4. Ha ha remind me not to ask Brit for any constructive critiques!

    Loved the dialogue and the very last sentence "Oh, forget it," said Harmony, "it's just a electronic Kindle thing. It's not like it's a real book."


  5. Tony, here I am reading your story:

    Ahh ha ha. Oh man, these girls.

    Ha ha.

    Ha ha.

    Wow, is there such a thing as a clove-mulberry chai? I want one.

    Ha ha...

    *last line* Ha ha--oh... ohhhhhhhhhhh. *sob*

  6. The nicknames got me. You do humor as well as...well, what don't you do?

  7. Something else occurred to me this morning: Brattany and Harmfulny have bright futures waiting for them in one of the Big 6 publishers…

  8. As my generation would say: "Say who?" :)

    Tony, this is like Absolutely Epic Beast...or something like that - great! :)

  9. Well... they do say you should write what you know... ;)

    Great characterisation and very funny. =)

  10. Red: Liked it, eh? ;-)

    storytreasury: Go Chandra! Even if she's writing schlock, she's actually DOING something, and there's hope for her. For these two? Not so much.

    FARfetched: There are a few in-jokes here, to be sure. This little scene could easily be dedicated to anyone who's had to suffer a bad review. And as for these two being part of the Big 6... well, I shudder to think that ANY endeavor would cater to their tastes, but...

    John Wiswell: "girlfrenemy" I just made that up, BTW.

    Helen: Somehow, I don't think I'll have to remind you!

    Jen Brubacher: There's a bit of a barb in that last line, isn't there? E.books still don't get the respect they deserve, even from two snarkbags like B & H.

    pegjet: You do humor as well as...well, what don't you do? Erotica. I don't do erotica. For the record, let me repeat: I don't do erotica.

    theothersideofdeanna: Thanks, Deanna!

    John Xero: Thanks! I will admit, however, that I am not actually a snarky, trashy bitch, so I kinda made some of this up. If any snarky, trashy bitches would like to critique, feel free.

  11. I'm positive I've overheard this conversation in a Starbucks somewhere...
    And I echo John's comment.

  12. Scary. I think those two might write for some, like, major media outlet, y'know. For, like, REAL books. *snark*

    Hysterically funny, all the more seo because it could be real.

  13. OMGoodness, that last line had me in stitches! You captured the attitudes and voices so well. Epic Fail for the girls for even thinking, "Too. Much. Reading." Chandra FTW! Nice job on this.

    Take care,

  14. You nailed that kind of dialogue...which genuinely makes me worry about you. Top flash though!

  15. Thanks for a fun day on what was a shit day.

  16. I teach children who speak like this *hangs head in despair*
    Best. FInal. Line. Ever.
    Adam B @revhappiness

  17. Well that was like, one of you totally vvvbff pieces. Totally - had me in stitches

  18. Bev: It's sad, but too, too true.

    Janet: What's really bad is that these two are the target demographic for probably %60 of what's published.

    JC Rosen: OMGoodness, that last line had me in stitches! Thanks!

    Icy: You nailed that kind of dialogue...which genuinely makes me worry about you. Some people channel the ghosts of cavaliers long dead, others channel snarkers that SHOULD be dead.

    ThomG: Glad I could help out, Thom!

    afullnessinbrevity: It's like, DUH, 'know? Best. FInal. Line. Ever. We've all thought it; I just had the courage to say it. 8-)

    brainhaze: My pleasure!


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