Volume 3: The Bites of Love
by Tony Noland
"So, she was all like, 'Well, what did you think? Pretty good, huh?' and I was like, girlfrenemy, you need to get the meds ADJUSTED! Your quote unquote book sucks!" Brittany ("Brit" to her bffs, and "Brittania" to her vbffs) added an extra hair flip to her eyeroll, to emphasis her point.
"Bitch, you did NOT say that! You did NOT say that! You're such a cunt, 'tania!" Only Brittany's vvVbffs got to call her "'tania", and Harmony was *totally* Brittany's vvVbff. They had been together since, like, forever, or like third grade or something.
"Of course I didn't say it TO her. I was all like, oh, yeah, Chandra, it's like, really good! Especially that part where the mean vampire is trying to bite Melissa, and the good vampire fights him off and then kisses Melissa's hand before disappearing into the night? And she gives him her scarf that smells like her perfume? That was like, so so SO romantic!" Brittany snorted. "And the whole time, I was like, a fucking scarf? Please! Kevin wants a blowjob every time he opens a door for me! And if he were ever, like to get into an actual fight and have to, like, actually fight off some guy who was trying to rape me or something? Jeez, I'd be on my back for like, a year! Maybe if Chandra had ever like, had a single date in her LIFE she would know what boys expect."
Harmony waved the stir stick from her mocha cinnamon latte in front of her, slicing through the air as though drawing a line through Chandra's name. "Too. Much. Reading."
"Absofuckinglutely. And you know what she said to me?" Harmony (whose bffs called her "Harmon", and whose vbffs called her either "Whore" or "Whorehouse") shook her head. "What that bitch said to me, TO ME, House," said Brittany (who was a reciprocal vvVbff of Harmony's), "was that she was glad I liked it, but that she wasn't going to make any of the changes I suggested since she'd already 'formatted it'. And I was all like, 'formatted it'? What the fuck does that mean? And she started talking about Kindles and Nooks and digital this and self-publish that, and I was like, then fuck you, bitch, why'd you ask me to read it if you didn't want me to tell you how to make it better?"
"God, what a cunt!"
"Like a total cunt! Like, as cunt as a cunt can be! You know she is actually going to try to sell that thing? Like, actually, really, truly, like, FOR REAL sell that book online at Amazon? And, get this, you know what she said?"
Harmony shook her head again, her silver hoop earrings tinkling with the movement.
"She said it's her third book!" Brittany's voice was high with outrage. "Her third book! And she put the other ones up for sale, too. She said how, like, people were asking her for another book so she wrote this one faster than she expected to. I was like, oh, that's great, how cool, how awesome for you, as though it was all like a big deal or something. And when I asked her if the other books were about vampires too, you know what that bitch did? She looked at me like I was stupid and was like, well, duh, of course they are. And I was like, well, damn, bitch, how the fuck was I supposed to know this was the third book in a series? It's not like it says, 'This Is The Third Book In A Series' in the beginning. Then she was all like, didn't I notice how the characters kept referring back to previous events and didn't I wonder why the good vampire and the bad vampire teamed up to save Melissa and blah blah blah about the love triangle and stuff?" Brittany picked up her clove-mulberry chai and sipped it. "God what a stupid bitch. I hope she chokes on that book."
"Oh, forget it," said Harmony, "it's just a electronic Kindle thing. It's not like it's a real book."
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