7 Easy Ways To Give You Time To Write™

One of the big challenges we face as writers is not having enough time to get the words on the page, let alone the time necessary to then scrape those words off again and replace them with even better words that actually make sense.

You can prowl the Internet and get all kinds of advice on how to get more time for writing, like "Focus on your short term and long term goals" and "Make it a priority" and "Write in short bursts". You know what? They all work, but screw that. You want time to write? I'll give you time to write. In fact, I'll capitalize it and give you Time To Write™.

1. Have an affair. OK, the key to making this one work is that you have to tell your wife that you're having the affair. Binary result tree: either she leaves you, giving you more Time To Write™, or she is OK with it, in which case (prepare to be blown away by my genius), a couple of nights a week you tell your wife you're with your girlfriend, you tell your girlfriend you're with your wife, and you sneak off to Starbucks to get, BINGO, Time To Write™!

2. Sell your kids. Seriously, they're nothing but a damned timesuck, aren't they? Coaching little Jimmy's soccer team, driving Ann-Marie from piano to tae-kwan-do, meeting with their teachers, working out savings plans for college... to hell with it! Sell them off to the highest bidder, and you not only will have at least twenty more free hours of Time To Write™ every week, you can get at least ten grand for each one of the little darlings.

3. Shave your head. Actually, this is more of a blanket statement about personal hygiene, and how much more Time To Write™ you'll have if you just give it all up. How much time does that morning shower cost you EVERY SINGLE DAY? (Ladies, this one will be especially valuable for you, since, let's face it, a guy forgoing the rituals of person hygiene would save him about 10 minutes a day, max.)

4. Give away all your clothes. Think about it... doing the laundry? Washing, folding and putting away clothes that are only going to get unfolded and dirty again? Who needs it? Give away all your clothes and go naked as much as possible. The great thing is, the airing out this involves will dovetail nicely with #3. Think of all the time you'll save just because you no longer have to choose an outfit every morning! Time To Write™ City, baby!

5. Burn down your house. I know, I know... you're probably kicking yourself for not coming up with this one on your own. Unclogging the toilet? Picking out new curtains? Cleaning the kitchen? PFFFT! Dissolve one big bag of styrofoam peanuts in two gallons of kerosene and you, my friend, have all the makings for Time To Write™! Just add a match!

6.Quit your day job. Look, you've got no wife, no kids, no house, you never shower and you go naked 90% of the time. Tell me how your Honda Accord is NOT the perfect 24/7 living space/writer's garret for you? What do you need money for? No expenses means no need for a day job! No day job (and no commute!) means 10, maybe 11 extra hours a day. Can you say Time To Write™? I knew you could!

7. Get the hell off Twitter and Facebook! If you can't stomach the first six suggestions, then for God's sake, at least do this one. If you're anything like me, just getting the hell off Twitter and Facebook would probably give you as much Time To Write™ as the other six combined.

Remember, these will only work if you give them a try! I guarantee you will see RESULTS!

UPDATE: See what happens when someone actually implements these suggestions - read about it here.

===== Feel free to comment on this or any other post.


  1. Great post! I've been feeling like I'm gonna crack up if I don't get some serious writing time in soon, saw this and thought great, Tony's going to give me a plan! Certainly gave me a much needed giggle, cheers! (I'm off to hunt for matches.)

  2. You were cackling madly when you wrote this, weren't you Tony?

  3. This is just what I needed! After I have an affair, sell my kids, shave my head, give away all my clothes, burn down my house, and quit my day job, I can start writing! You didn't think I was actually going to get the hell off Twitter and Facebook, did you?

  4. Tony, I think I did it wrong. I burned down my house and now I'm all alone, standing in the street bald, smelly and naked. I don't have a Honda Accord. I don't have a car at all. I think I should have read #6 BEFORE I did the first 5.

    I'm cold...

  5. You know, the best part of Number 1 is that you don't need to HAVE the affair! Just tell the wife you are and go from there. Besides, it takes precious writing time to go find a mistress and spend time with her.

    And burn down the house? Oh geez, don't tempt me. FAR Manor is a royal pain in the arse. But make sure you have your laptops outside first…

    Get off Twitter? Yeah right.

  6. I must have a lot of writing time. LOL I already don't have 3 out of 7 of those. Go me!

    But sorry, I am not giving up 1) my hair 2) my clothes 3) twitter.

  7. @ Susan: Here, have a match: ---o

    @ Cathy: I will admit to a certain amount of cackling. He he,

    @ Random Chick: We all have our priorities. ;-)

    @ Red Bakersen: Tony, I think I did it wrong. There's no wrong way to write!

    @ FARfetched: I know, it's such a flexible system, isn't it? It's like a guaranteed win-win-win!

    @ storytreasury: You are well on the way to success! Just shave your car and burn down your kids.


Thank you for leaving a comment. The staff at Landless will treat it with the same care that we would bestow on a newly hatched chick. By the way, no pressure or anything, but have you ever considered subscribing to Landless via RSS?