11 Ways You Can Stop Pissing Me Off On Twitter

We're all human, and we all make mistakes. (Except for me, because I'm not and I don't, but that's next week's blog post.) I know you didn't mean to piss me off on Twitter. I'm sure that pissing me off was the LAST thing on your mind.

Nevertheless, you did.

I'm a patient and tolerant guy. I let a lot of things slide without getting upset by them. It's only when people habitually make the same gaffs, faux pas, breaches of etiquette, etc. that I want to shake them like somebody else's 2-year-old and get them to knock it off.

So, as a public service, for your benefit and for the sake of my own blood pressure, here are 11 Ways You Can Stop Pissing Me Off On Twitter (which you can also regard as some simple rules for building your follower list or establishing a brand or whatever the hell else you want them to be, so long as you implement them):

11. Shut The Fuck Up About Your Cats I followed you because I thought you'd have some interesting, informative or amusing things to say. Instead it's a constant stream of "Oooh, Mr. Fluffykins' litter box stinks!" or "Meow Tse Tung just walked on my keyboard LOL" or "Sparky is sitting in front of me." Shut up about them already!

What you can do instead Show some restraint! It's fine to make an occasional banal observation about your cats, your kids, your spouse or any other living being in whom you have an emotional investment. That tells me you're human. If you do more than one of them a day, though, what does that tell me? THAT YOU ARE BORING.

10. Learn How Twitter Works There are a bajillion blog posts out there devoted to how to use Twitter. GO READ SOME. Unless you're a newbie, you shouldn't be making annoying newbie gaffs, like RTing one of my tweets, but doing it as an @ reply. That means that the only people who will see your RT are me and you. I appreciate the RT, but it would be nicer if you hadn't screwed it up.

What you can do instead You can pay attention. You can learn. You can invest 20 goddamn minutes in getting better.

9. Change Your Background Picture God in heaven, you have 12,000 tweets, but still have the default green-bamboo-on-brown-background on your Twitter page? Even one of those tacky "www.TwitterBackgrounds.com" pictures would be better than that! What does this tell me? It tells me that you don't think much about your appearance. You probably have soup stains on your shirt, too.

What you can do instead This would be a PERFECT place for pictures of those damned cats. Or of the sunset that convinced you that it was possible for you to be a writer. Or of anything you like or find interesting or inspiring. This is YOUR page... personalize it!

8. Act Like A Human Being A lot of big names are on Twitter because their publicists told them it would be a good idea. They don't need to interact because people will follow them anyway (I'm looking at you, @BarackObama). Their tweets are a one-way street. Send them a reply or a DM, you know what you get? Nothing.

What you can do instead Interact! Engage! Answer replies, get involved in discussions, be present. Look at how @SusanOrlean does it, and do that. Hell, I get more interaction from @StephenFry and @KarlRove than I do from some agents I follow.

7. Save The Knives For DM Guess what? If you are having a spat with someone on Twitter, it's like arguing on a street corner. I. Don't. Care.

What you can do instead If this is between you two, keep it between you two. Your argument shouldn't be an occasion for public spectacle. Unless you both LIKE the attention you get from arguing in public, in which case you are a couple of sad puppies who wouldn't listen to advice from me anyway.

6. "Americans Suck"/"Americans Are Stupid" Oh sweet Jesus, don't get me started on this one. You know what? Yes, we do, on occasion, suck. And so do you, for an imperfectly overlapping suite of similar reasons. We are also, on occasion, a noble and gifted people whose ideals of liberty and ethos of personal freedom coupled with personal responsibility are an example to the rest of the world. I can't generalize about you or what kind of sterling qualities of goodness might be resident within your soul, but at least I know you like your cats a lot.

What you can do instead Be polite. Go look that word up if you have to.

5. Be Committed To Your Own Strangeness I find it weird when an author sets up a Twitter account so they can tweet as the main character in their novel, or as a time-traveler bouncing around from one historical period to the next. Weird, but not necessarily bad. Where this falls apart is when you break character to make an appeal for Haiti, or for prayers for your neighbor's mother, or whatever.

What you can do instead If you're going to play a role, is it too much to ask that you stay in character? This was your idea, after all.

4. You're Always So Fucking Upbeat "Hey, Tony", you might be saying, "what's wrong with being a happy person?" And I say, nothing. I'm glad you're so happy and cheerful. But you know what? Normal people have good days and bad days. If you're a uniformly happy person ALL THE TIME, I'm going to conclude that, in addition to being annoying as hell, you must be heavily medicated.

What you can do instead First off, send me a case of whatever you're on, or the name of a trustworthy supplier in the Philadelphia area. Failing that, just relax and be yourself. Let us see the clouds as well as the sunshine. We'll love you all the more for it.

3. You're Always So Fucking Depressed Look, if you can't see for yourself what's wrong with this, then it's going to take a lot more to help you than a list of 11 Things.

What you can do instead Cancel your Twitter account and go get some therapy. And try to get in touch with Mr. Happy up at #4 and see if he can hook you up.

2. You Make It Hard For Me To Promote You I am a sweet, generous, supportive guy who likes to promote and foster the success of others. I love you. You, yes, YOU! I followed you because I wanted to hear what you have to say. If you tweet something brilliant, funny, informative, insightful, etc., I want to pass that on so others can learn from you the way I have. So why you gotta make it so damned hard for me to RT you, huh? You've got a Twitter name that's 35 characters long! Even if I don't want to preface the RT with a mini-comment like "This!" or "Interesting" or "o.O", by the time I set aside 3 characters for "RT ", I don't have the space for your tweet.

What you can do instead If you write a tweet that you think (or hope) others might want to RT, make it easy for them. Here's a formula for you to use: GoodTweetLength = 140 - (chars in your username) - 3

1. Stop Pretending To Be On Twitter When You Aren't Really On Twitter I'm not a goddamn moron, OK? When I see that every single one of your tweets is an "informative link" posted via SocialOomph, you know what conclusion I draw? That back in February, you spent a day or two loading up your new SocialOomph account with tweets and links, then programmed it to spew out at a rate of 10 per day. You've turned yourself into a goddamn bot!

What you can do instead Have some self respect! I use SocialOomph myself occasionally, it's a great tool, but it's not intended as the Alpha and Omega of tweeting, you know? Do you really want to be such a cold, calculating drone that you turn your back on the opportunity to use this amazing social network to actually be social? Log on once in a while, interact, engage. You've got lots of followers, but don't you want any friends?

And that's it. Do these 11 things and you will not only stop pissing me off on Twitter, you will be a kinder, wiser, better person. Remember, all of this is not about me... it's about you. If you know anyone who could benefit from reading these feel free to forward them the link: http://bit.ly/buMbyh

Two final notes:

1) Sure, I could just un-follow you if I find you annoying. Believe me, I do un-follow people. But you? I like you and I want you to be a better person.

2) The other method of RT'ing, although it preserves the original tweet in toto, does not allow for any editorial commenting or prefacing as I described above. If you want to use it, fine. Don't bug me about it.

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Like it? Tweet it!
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UPDATE: Do you know someone who needs to see these for the information content and/or humor value, but you just don't feel comfortable forwarding a profanity-laced rant to your boss/pastor/Mom? Send them the G-rated version instead! It's completely S.E.S. (Sensitive Ear Safe)! No more fucks and damns, no more hells, no more blaspheming! It's like the airplane-sanitized PG-rated version of an R-rated movie!

40 comments:

  1. The hell! That was actually somewhat informative! Though I WILL acknowledge those cat names were of epic smart-ass proportions.

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  2. Good stuff. I want to add "angry political bloggers on both left and right," but it's your list.
    I'm nervous about the RT bit and now I'm wondering if I'm doing it wrong. 0_o

    ~Monica

    U.S.A!!

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  3. And the weather... if the biggest news someone has to say is about the weather, go post about breakfast or a cat. Nobody cares what the weather is like way out there.

    Yes, #3 needs to talk to #4.

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  4. #10 is the winner. Some people are just lazy!

    Hmm, as David, I don't like knowing what people are eating at the moment either. And the pics! Aaaahhhh!

    I guess this could go with the cats, dogs, spiders, whatever. (I'm a dog person, mind. ;p)

    Great post Tony! Psst, I want to know why you're not human. Does this mean twitter allows us to make contact with aliens? Cool!

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  5. Can we also get rid of people who send automated DMs? If Mr. A decides to follow me, and I then follow Mr. A back, why on earth should I get a DM off Mr. A saying "Thanks for following me" along with some link to his site?

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  6. Tony - good post - i hope it was very cathartic for you to write it ;-) Although i have to confess that i still have the generic twitter background (i know, i probably inspired that point, heh heh). I want to add on to your point about rt's ... if you start a #ff mention (or #ww or whatever) with a username, then it only goes to me, you and the peeps who follow both of us. So, thanks for the #ff, but pleeeze start the tweet with something other than "@" so it goes to more than a handful of peeps. :-) Oh, and on the weather tweets above ... i don't mind weather tweets, but i *hate* weather tweets when you don't mention in your profile where you LIVE! If you tweet "man, there's a tornado heading straight for our town!" or "man, it's so hot out there, people are keeling over in the street" it might be useful or at least informative to know where you are.

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  7. Right on. Especially #3 and #4. That's all I'm going to say about that.

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  8. @Elly Lou: I'm glad you liked it. I don't personally own a cat, but if I did, you can bet I wouldn't name it anything cute.

    @Monica: I think the rabid political would fall under #7. As in, have fun with your argument... somewhere else.

    @David: If the weather is some extreme or unusual event, it's a worthy subject of conversation. Even a banal comment about normal weather is OK, but the fact that it's hot out doesn't warrant more than one tweet per week.

    @Mari: Yes, it's amazing how many people seem unaware of all of the blog posts titled "Basics of Using Twitter". If I've helped them to go read them, great. If not, I can always rant again. Oh, and as far as me not being human, it's not really that I'm an alien. It's just that I was raised by wolves.

    @Icy: Ah, the automated DM. Ranks right up there with my #1, the automated tweeter. Ick.

    @PJ: It was cathartic, yes. I just checked, and yes, you do have the green-bamboo-on-brown-background. PJ, PJ, PJ... you're better than that. Let your Twitter page shine as brightly as you do!

    @Isabel: Yep, those two are meant for each other.

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  9. Do my occasional tweets about my oddly named fish count? O.o

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  10. Brilliant post. Have to say I agree on every count too!

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  11. I've forgotten what my twitter background looks like because I'm always on Tweetdeck.

    My cat forgives you, although I rarely tweet about her. I do mention Jezebel...if you have a problem with her she'll come over to your house and make you afraid to go to sleep.

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  12. Weather posts, breakfast updates, and even posts about cats can be acceptable if #2 is kept in mind. A corollary to #2 might be, simply, BE CREATIVE, DAMMIT! Telling us the same information in a creative way can make it seem like less of a waste. We'd rather see "I asked the KFC folks to give me only left wings because I don't want to think about Glenn Beck while I eat" instead of "This KFC family meal is the best food I've had all week!"

    You get my drift. The most mundane information can be made interesting with a healthy dose of creativity.

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  13. I have the white background with a few green leaves. Don't give much of a crap about the window dressing. It's the customized backgrounds that usually annoy me - ugly as sin and slower to load. Most people only read what goes in a specific feed, not your personal Twitter page anyway. But if it bugs you so bad, Tony, I'll see what I can do about it. Maybe a background that's just TONYNOLANDTONYNOLANDTONYNOLAND going forever. Conquer my demographic!

    This didn't seem so smart ass, Tony. Angry, but not smart ass. Glad this felt cathartic for ya!

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  14. I'm in two minds about number 5... But then I would be wouldn't I/she...?

    Great post, much wisdom imparted with just a tinge of personal feeling behind it. Alright, maybe a soupcon more than a twinge...

    @ExisleMoll & @21stCscribe

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  15. Man it's hot here. Still, took my dog, Max, for his walk after a delish breakfast of pancakes and sauerkraut this AM. Here's the recipe: htt

    Sorry, you know my twisted little mind could not resist. I tried really hard to hit all 11, but had to settle for just the weather, pet, breakfast, and too long to RT. Please don't send an assassin.

    I think the most important lesson is for people to learn the length limits if they want a retweet. Twitter now has its own URL shortener. I highly recommend it (and they didn't even pay me to say that) or Bit.ly.
    ~jon

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  16. Hmmph..I'm glad I don't do any of those things....Wait....crap! *blush* Sorry Tony.

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  17. These are hilarious,I really enjoyed. Great tone, you're a great and entertaining writer!

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  18. @Christina: I like fish, so you're OK.

    @Rebecca: Thanks!

    @Laura: Jezebel is a special case, for obvious occult reasons.

    @4ndyman: BINGO! Creative and engaging is good. Thoughtless and banal is bad.

    @JohnWiswell: You left out one TONYNOLAND.

    @Sulci: I'm surprised you're only in two minds about it.

    @J.M.: The URL shortener is a great tool. Folks that use Twitter from the web should look into it.

    @G.P.: Fear not. So long as you don't do these things repeatedly, you are not pissing me off. You're safe. 8-)

    @Taylor: Thank you, I'm glad you liked them!

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  19. I know! I'm guilty of at least half of this stuff! And my background is boring! But I don't THINK I've tweeted about my cats (although I have blogged about them, but only when they barf).
    I apologize.
    I'm the reason they put 'twit' in twitter.
    I shall try harder, though.
    P.S. This post was hilarious!

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  20. Hey, why pick on cats? Why not dogs? There's a lot of dog stuff out there clogging the twitterwaves. And kids. How cute the kids are, blah, blah,blah.

    Anyhoo, quite hilarious. I'm sure I violate most of these; then again, I'm not a rabid twitter, just a twit. Hope you feel better soon! Peace...

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  21. 3 characters: LOL (You made my day)

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  22. My cats don't forgive / Background? Pale blue and bamboo / Um...is that OK?

    Good post, Tony. Not certain how many of your 11 I might trip over - but I tweet infrequently enough to stay under the radar. :-}

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  23. Well, I guess I better go change my background, dammit! LOL Nice rant, Tony. I myself have unfollowed many a cat lover.

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  24. I know only the very basics of Twitter but I admit I don't click on many links for one reason, what Joe Schmo finds interesting may bore me. I don't expect people to click on mine, either. I don't expect anything really. I'm so dull I just usually jump in and reply to something I read. Very unoriginal. At least I don't own cats. Weather? Guilty.

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  25. Tony,
    I also agree with much of what you said (and shall move "customize twitter background" higher on my to do list).
    But one caution: the study on CEO lying featured in Fast Company indicates a connection between the frequent use of profanity and a tendency to lie. Perhaps cathartic rants should be edited :-)

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  26. @Lou: Interesting. This is one of the very rare blog posts in which I use profanity. Does the study say anything about intermittent profanity?

    As far as a tendency to lie... well, does writing fiction count?

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  27. Tony,
    <<@Lou: Interesting. This is one of the very rare blog posts in which I use profanity. Does the study say anything about intermittent profanity?>>

    I've lived in DC too long to bother about actually reading studies. I just pick the parts I like on first glance.

    <>

    In DC we no distinction between fact and fiction.

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  28. *looks guilty*

    Oh my! ANd I thought I had my twitter manners down pat! Now I'm wondering if I've done the @ thing wrong & what color my background is...

    I've also ranted just a little about my new puppy & I photograph food occassionally (though I think that's a vegan thing).

    Such a long confession. It's the Catholic schoolgirl in me. *blushes*

    Did I mention the puppy ate my book? :D

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  29. I think I more or less agree with this list, though my ignore ability is quite high.

    The only thing I'd amend is #6, but just because that annoys me the most. In addition to 'America Sucks', I'd add 'America is the best'! Or basically any generalizations about countries or people, whether in the negative or positive positive way, rub me the wrong way.

    Both are a very arrogant way of looking at the world, and I don't deal with arrogancy well. Besides, generalizations like that show off closed mindedness, and that just isn't very interesting;.

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  30. I'm with Monica about the political stuff. That's not why I'm following anyone! If I wanted to hear that stuff, I'd follow political people.

    Now I'm also wondering if I'm retweeting correctly. I'm shaking in my twitter boots!

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  31. Mice Priests can say fuck? Yeah, I haven't changed my background in while. And I do generally tweet in character, which is to say, weird. This is pretty funny, although I typically don't give a you know what how other people choose to use their tweetership.

    Thanks for the smile.

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  32. Great post - enjoyed it and I'd say the stats will keep rising!

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  33. Um..ok.
    I have to confess to the shame of being confused by the RT thing...so just to clarify, it's not ok to just hit the retweet button? something more is required? is it better to copy and paste and add RT?
    I'm sure I've replied rather than retweeting, so guilty there as well! But isn't it better to give a response than just copy it?
    Forgive me, I'm a newbie...will get there in the end.
    And people squabble on twitter?! Haven't come across that one yet!
    And I guess I need to learn how to make links shorter...hmm...I guess I better invest 20 minutes!


    funny post by the way! ;0)

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  34. @(Julie and S. May): I feel like an old timer saying this, but back in the day, when Twitter was done via the Twitter website, to retweet something involved copying their tweet into yours.

    Third party apps gave you the RT button, but it still let you edit the original tweet, to add commentary, make it fit, take quotes out of context for humorous effect, etc.

    To make retweeting easier, Twitter introducted the "ReTweet" button, which passed along the original tweet, in toto and unedited, to your own followers. Much easier than cut-and-paste, but it limits the interactive utility of RTs.

    Third party apps (such as Seesmic, TweetDeck, etc.) give you the option of which kind of RT you want to use. The Twitter website only offers the "new" kind of RT.

    But isn't it better to give a response than just copy it?

    Do both! Talk is cheap in Twitter. You RT something if you think your own followers will see value in it. You respond to the original poster in order to engage in conversation. After you RT something, send the author a follow-up @-reply such as: "@TonyNoland Hey, that was really funny/stupid!" Twitter is all about engagement.

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  35. Oh -- my -- God. You just made me laugh. Hard. I needed that. Thank you, Tony. I'm curious. What in particular put you over the edge?

    My fave:

    ...Instead it's a constant stream of "Oooh, Mr. Fluffykins' litter box stinks!" or "Meow Tse Tung just walked on my keyboard LOL" or "Sparky is sitting in front of me."

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  36. I sort of agree with you and sympathise, but the thing is whether you like it or not, Twitter is for everyone.

    Lots of people on Twitter are irritating to others for various reasons. You have a point but I don't really like people who try to dictate to others how they should behave, or behave as though they are intellectually superior either. All you have to do is unfollow them...

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  37. @Ezzy: It was one cat tweet too many.

    @Jane: Thanks for reading, and for your comment. Twitter is indeed for everyone, and I have no power to dictate or enforce any of this. That's why these aren't rules, but rather suggestions for improvement. Please see note #1: 1) Sure, I could just un-follow you if I find you annoying. Believe me, I do un-follow people. But you? I like you and I want you to be a better person.

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  38. Wish I had a picture of a cat for my avatar on this post! What a great article, no wonder it went viral. Came to it from your very interesting #FridayFlash article which I will now be joining in with. Thanks for inspiring.

    If you want good honest Tweeting without the cats, bots, or manically happy pills, check @ibc4 would be honoured to have you follow. And I do interact!

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  39. Meow Tse Tung? That was brilliant.

    Umm, I'll go and see if I can change my background.

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