#FridayFlash: Philly's in the house

Philly's in the house

by Tony Noland

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

God, that pile's bigger than I thought. That broken concrete's gonna hurt.

Damn straight it will. Forget it. Burn that bridge when you come to it, pal. Yeah, funny guy, won't be so funny trying to climb it. Never mind, figure out a way up once you get there. Climb it, get to the light, get out. One, two, three.

See those sharp edges on the exposed rebar, Danny boy? Better protect the leg. Snag it on one of those and the pain's gonna be a showstopper. Yeah, right, protect it with what? Never mind. Figure it out when you get there. Leg hurts bad enough just to drag it.

Pain would help wake you up, though, wouldn't it? Can't feel the elbows anymore, too torn up from the rubble. Gotta rest my arms for a minute. Gotta rest. I'm so tired.

So tired.

And cold.

Thirsty.

But not hungry.

Not hungry.

Hungry.

Snickers bar... pistachios... pizza...

... so tired ...

WAKE UP!

Wake up, god damn it, wake up! Focus, you idiot, focus! Come on, chop chop, get moving, count 'em off, almost there. You can do this, Danny boy, you can do this, get your arms out there and pull, just get moving.

Left.

Right.

Four more, then climb the pile and follow the light. Don't rest, just count 'em off.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Christ, you lying bastard, it wasn't four, it's more like ten. Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's like that half marathon, OK? The Memorial Day thing, back in 2031? Couldn't have done that without lying to yourself about it, huh? Focus, just do it one mile at a time. OK, no problem, just rest for a minute. Elbows are taking the worst of it, and they'll probably heal. Just rest. Catch your breath, then get up there. Come on, you can do this.

Rest just a minute. Just, just for a minute.

So cold.

Yeah, I know. You're cold and hungry and thirsty, and big fuckin' earthquakes aren't supposed to hit the East Coast and it's not fair and blah, blah, blah, and people in hell want ice water. Get over there. Use your arms, crawl god damn it, right now. Now, Danny, now!

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Almost there.

Left.

OK.

OK. OK. Now, push up and get up there. We got water and blankets and food up there. Yeah, Danny, there's coffee and fried chicken and rum and cokes and pie and ice cold martinis with three olives and

WAKE UP!

Come on, Danny, doctors can't fix you if you don't get up there, can they? There's doctors and nurses and EMTs and all kinds of people. Leg's a loss, it's gotta be, but if you get up there, they can take it off clean, get you a nice clean stump to work with. They got blood and morphine and antibiotics up there, don't they? And if you don't get up there, an aftershock's gonna get you, boy. You hear me? Aftershocks gonna bring down this whole slab. Cheap ass parking garage concrete ain't gonna last forever, man.

Come on, you lucky bastard. Everybody else was crushed flat, but you got eighteen inches. Eighteen inches, floor to ceiling, you gonna gripe about it? Waste it? More than anybody else got. You even got some rainwater to drink. You been lucky for three fuckin' days, jerkface, you think it's gonna last forever? Are you from south Philly or not? Philly's in the house, man. I bet Baltimore and New York got hit, too. Betcha they're climbing in New York. You just know they're climbing out of the rubble up in New York, you know that, don't you Danny? You gonna let New York show us up? Come on, Philly, whadda you got? Get up there. Get up there, Danny. Get out. Gotta get up there.

I will. I will. I just need to rest for a minute.

Just for a minute.

Just a minute.

So tired.

Tired.

Cold.

==========
Comments and constructive criticisms welcome. Other #FridayFlash pieces can be found here.
Posted Friday, January 22, 2010

39 comments:

  1. You totally nailed this. I was pulling along with him, urging him on, right along with his inner voice. Scary situation made somehow comforting. I hope he made it to safety.

    (My inner voice says things like "Put the chocolate down slowly.. " - but it's been awhile since I've been in any physically dangerous situation.)
    Well done!!
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  2. This is terrific, Tony - i'm usually not a big fan of the slow reveal, but the pacing & timing was very good. I hope the self-talk got him out of this situation. We don't have to look far for the inspiration for this piece.
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  3. It took me a while to get this. I came to around "So tired. And cold." I can relate because I've had a lot of fights like that with my body, though (perhaps thankfully) due to illness rather than peril. It definitely passes the relatability threshold.


    Best wishes, luck and prayers on Tuesday, Tony!
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  4. It took me a while to get into this but there's a terrific build of desperation... and I was really rooting for him at the end. Nicely done.
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  5. I was into it from the start - so wanted him to get there - love when a story draws me right in - great writing.
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  6. in light of recent disaster i can imagine this scene played over a few hundred times.. well done.
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  7. Thanks, everybody! This was a bit of a risk, as slow reveals are. Starting with dislocation and confusion, if the reader isn't hooked within 100 words, forget it. But if you ramp up too quickly, that's a disaster, too.

    The inspiration for this is pretty obvious. When I see images of the destroyed national buildings in Port au Prince, I couldn't help but wonder how I'd feel if it were my nation's capitol that had been leveled. Or, as I eventually wrote it, Philadelphia. It's not terribly realistic for Philly to get nailed by a devastating earthquake, but this is fiction.
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  8. Great writing, the words flew. I hope he did good for Philly. Yes, the earthquake has left my head spinning with images of rubble and debris. Kudos to you for writing it down... Peace, Linda
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  9. The mix of determination and fatigue here is spot-on. You reeled me right in. Great work.
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  10. What CJ said - I reckon you nailed it too. Nice work.

    I hope he made it!
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  11. Oooh, this is quite good!

    You've taken recent events as inspiration and have written a gripping story about what someone alive after an earthquake might be saying and doing to stay that way.

    I was born and raised in New York City. Yes, those who could would be climbing.
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  12. One of the best I've read by you and that's saying something because I always enjoy your work. The way you wrote this was so personal. The writing was terrific but it also had that extra something that made you feel every word. Great work!
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  13. Wow! This was really good! I didn't quite know where they were at first, but I was still very compelled to read because I knew this person was struggling to survive. A little confusion at first worked for me because it mirrored the experience and emotions of what the person was also feeling. And, it clarified very quickly as I understood the person's struggle and focus.

    The voice of this person was so realistic, I could hear that voice in my own head. I was really cheering for him to get out!
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  14. Loved the inner dialog, I think that's why the slow reveal worked so well...so realistic, he just pulled us along with him. I was rooting for him and wanted to kick him in the butt in the end to get him to move those last few inches! Good one.
    (And good luck with your surgery, hope it goes well)
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  15. I loved this one Tony, really powerful stuff. You captured the voice of the survival instinct so well, and I loved the ending. Brutal. xx
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  16. You totally got in the inner dialogue of someone trying to harass/berate their body into obeying.

    Really well done!
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  17. Love this Tony! As others have said, you really nailed the tension and the pacing is spot on. Super work!
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  18. So, so good Tony. Feels so important to focus on the strength and fortitude of the Dannys. I liked how I didn't know if this was an inner voice or someone with him. I guess inner, but it works both ways. Very well done.

    Good luck with the operation, the description of your pain is eye-watering...
    ~Simon.
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  19. I keep praising your pace and this is no different. It probably hits a few raw nerves or reminds distant observers of how it might be..

    Getting the feeling that you're also internalising but that doesn't need to show out there.

    I love your realistic self-talk. None of us *really* thinks grammatically correctly when the chips are down.
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  20. B*gger! That was me - MEG
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  21. I'm glad you liked it, guys! The pacing here was the most important thing, which made it tricky to get right.

    As it becomes progressively more difficult to move forward, Danny has to reach deeper and deeper within himself for motivators. Thirst and hunger lose their power, so he reaches deeper. Anger and berating eventually pale as well.

    He tries conjuring himself with promises of medical aid, then with fear of aftershocks, with shame at wasting his good luck. Finally, he brings out the big mojo and tries to compel with the power and pride of old rivalries with New York. Ultimately, he is reduced to begging himself to act.

    Does he succeed?
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  22. I seem to be in the minority here of holding no hope for him in the end. The word 'cold' was quite final for me.
    Excellent, Tony! Good luck with your upcoming pain modification.
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  23. Great job with this one! I liked your explanation of how he manages his motivation, which really comes through. Hope he makes it!

    CD
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  24. Keep going, Danny! Keep going!! Strong thoughts of Haiti. This style was experimental for you, no? Your voice is so strong. You've done an amazing job. Thanks for sharing it. ~ Olivia
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  25. He didn't make it, but I was pulling for him. The climax was perfect, it really reached out and grabbed me.
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  26. I don't have any better or different words other than what's already been said. I really really liked where this story took me, and the emotions it evoked.

    I'm going to retweet this right now.
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  27. Stylish and gripping, and the slangy sweary language is what (I imagine) you'd get in such a perilous situation, so it worked well. Great stuff!
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  28. You did a great job getting us in his head. Wonderfully written.
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  29. I was totally gripped...found my heartbeat accelerating as I got closer and closer to the end. Compelling stuff!
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  30. Thanks for all the reads and great comments today, everyone.

    As I write this, I'm thinking of the news I heard just a couple of hours ago. A man caught in the earthquake in Haiti, trapped for eleven days (eleven days!), was pulled from the rubble alive. I am astounded by this.

    I'm going to have to change what I said to Laura Eno in a sidebar conversation. Danny isn't dead. He isn't doomed.

    He is in deep, deep trouble, but where there is life, where there is one single breath of life left, there is hope.
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  31. This is an effective narrative of a life threatening ordeal with great descriptions that place the reader right into the character's experience. The image I had was of someone climbing a fence higher and higher, so I had to recalibrate when I realized he was buried under rubble. The ending "where there is one single breath of life left, there is hope" is great.
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  32. I don't think it started too slow, and I agree the pacing is finely done. I just spent months reading Moby Dick, so this was like a bolt of lightning. ;-)
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  33. I have to believe he survives. It's too topical to think otherwise. I like happy endings!
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  34. Pace and the rhythm of the language: perfect--as well as the depiction of the psychological mind trick. The slow reveal definitely works, at least for me.
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  35. I love how you draw the story out. I was beginning to panic, because of my claustrophobic tendencies. You mad it feel like I was under the rubble.
    How do you do that?
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  36. I'm glad you all found it a potent read. Cynthia, I don't have a disclaimer on he blog saying I'm not responsible for any medical conditions arising from reading my fiction (heart attacks, uncontrollable giggling, panic, stroke, etc.)... maybe I should have one? 8-)

    As to "how I do it"? Practice, practice, practice...

    Lou, being compared with one of the classics of western literature is a huge compliment, thank you! It's been years and years, so I'll have to re-read Moby Dick from a technical angle, to consider Melville's pacing.
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  37. I think the slow reveal is integral to the subject matter and state of mind. Also, the use of whitespace was particularly effective in portraying the agony, effort, doubt, and hope.
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  38. Well I want to know why it's set in the 2030s! Always leave your reader wanting more, eh Tony? Well you did in this piece. Sounded painful.

    Speaking of pain, I hope yours is all gone with your surgery. All the best and we'll see you on the flip side.
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  39. Loved this. Sorry so late to the party. The slow reveal was painful to me, fitting for the subject material. You're really good at this writing thing. :)

    Feel better.
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