Comments on Landless: #FridayFlash: Philly's in the house

Loved this. Sorry so late to the party. The slow r...

2010-01-26T17:51:24.283-05:00

Loved this. Sorry so late to the party. The slow reveal was painful to me, fitting for the subject material. You're really good at this writing thing. :)

Feel better.

Well I want to know why it's set in the 2030s!...

2010-01-25T17:14:36.849-05:00

Well I want to know why it's set in the 2030s! Always leave your reader wanting more, eh Tony? Well you did in this piece. Sounded painful.

Speaking of pain, I hope yours is all gone with your surgery. All the best and we'll see you on the flip side.

I think the slow reveal is integral to the subject...

2010-01-25T10:56:30.586-05:00

I think the slow reveal is integral to the subject matter and state of mind. Also, the use of whitespace was particularly effective in portraying the agony, effort, doubt, and hope.

I'm glad you all found it a potent read. Cy...

2010-01-25T10:41:02.224-05:00
I'm glad you all found it a potent read. Cynthia, I don't have a disclaimer on he blog saying I'm not responsible for any medical conditions arising from reading my fiction (heart attacks, uncontrollable giggling, panic, stroke, etc.)... maybe I should have one? 8-)

As to "how I do it"? Practice, practice, practice...

Lou, being compared with one of the classics of western literature is a huge compliment, thank you! It's been years and years, so I'll have to re-read Moby Dick from a technical angle, to consider Melville's pacing.

I love how you draw the story out. I was beginning...

2010-01-25T09:30:46.045-05:00
I love how you draw the story out. I was beginning to panic, because of my claustrophobic tendencies. You mad it feel like I was under the rubble.
How do you do that?

Pace and the rhythm of the language: perfect--as w...

2010-01-24T13:57:43.716-05:00
Pace and the rhythm of the language: perfect--as well as the depiction of the psychological mind trick. The slow reveal definitely works, at least for me.

I have to believe he survives. It's too topic...

2010-01-24T13:02:12.917-05:00
I have to believe he survives. It's too topical to think otherwise. I like happy endings!

I don't think it started too slow, and I agree...

2010-01-24T10:28:33.522-05:00
I don't think it started too slow, and I agree the pacing is finely done. I just spent months reading Moby Dick, so this was like a bolt of lightning. ;-)

This is an effective narrative of a life threateni...

2010-01-23T23:19:04.629-05:00
This is an effective narrative of a life threatening ordeal with great descriptions that place the reader right into the character's experience. The image I had was of someone climbing a fence higher and higher, so I had to recalibrate when I realized he was buried under rubble. The ending "where there is one single breath of life left, there is hope" is great.

Thanks for all the reads and great comments today,...

2010-01-23T19:43:12.626-05:00
Thanks for all the reads and great comments today, everyone.

As I write this, I'm thinking of the news I heard just a couple of hours ago. A man caught in the earthquake in Haiti, trapped for eleven days (eleven days!), was pulled from the rubble alive. I am astounded by this.

I'm going to have to change what I said to Laura Eno in a sidebar conversation. Danny isn't dead. He isn't doomed.

He is in deep, deep trouble, but where there is life, where there is one single breath of life left, there is hope.

I was totally gripped...found my heartbeat acceler...

2010-01-23T13:53:04.106-05:00
I was totally gripped...found my heartbeat accelerating as I got closer and closer to the end. Compelling stuff!

You did a great job getting us in his head. Wonder...

2010-01-23T10:47:59.522-05:00
You did a great job getting us in his head. Wonderfully written.

Stylish and gripping, and the slangy sweary langua...

2010-01-23T10:05:31.059-05:00
Stylish and gripping, and the slangy sweary language is what (I imagine) you'd get in such a perilous situation, so it worked well. Great stuff!

I don't have any better or different words oth...

2010-01-23T09:30:36.380-05:00
I don't have any better or different words other than what's already been said. I really really liked where this story took me, and the emotions it evoked.

I'm going to retweet this right now.

He didn't make it, but I was pulling for him. ...

2010-01-22T22:28:20.358-05:00
He didn't make it, but I was pulling for him. The climax was perfect, it really reached out and grabbed me.

Keep going, Danny! Keep going!! Strong thoughts o...

2010-01-22T18:21:16.857-05:00
Keep going, Danny! Keep going!! Strong thoughts of Haiti. This style was experimental for you, no? Your voice is so strong. You've done an amazing job. Thanks for sharing it. ~ Olivia

Great job with this one! I liked your explanation...

2010-01-22T17:46:08.074-05:00
Great job with this one! I liked your explanation of how he manages his motivation, which really comes through. Hope he makes it!

CD

I seem to be in the minority here of holding no ho...

2010-01-22T17:42:14.790-05:00
I seem to be in the minority here of holding no hope for him in the end. The word 'cold' was quite final for me.
Excellent, Tony! Good luck with your upcoming pain modification.

I'm glad you liked it, guys! The pacing here w...

2010-01-22T17:29:00.209-05:00
I'm glad you liked it, guys! The pacing here was the most important thing, which made it tricky to get right.

As it becomes progressively more difficult to move forward, Danny has to reach deeper and deeper within himself for motivators. Thirst and hunger lose their power, so he reaches deeper. Anger and berating eventually pale as well.

He tries conjuring himself with promises of medical aid, then with fear of aftershocks, with shame at wasting his good luck. Finally, he brings out the big mojo and tries to compel with the power and pride of old rivalries with New York. Ultimately, he is reduced to begging himself to act.

Does he succeed?

B*gger! That was me - MEG

2010-01-22T15:55:39.920-05:00
B*gger! That was me - MEG

I keep praising your pace and this is no different...

2010-01-22T15:55:06.857-05:00
I keep praising your pace and this is no different. It probably hits a few raw nerves or reminds distant observers of how it might be..

Getting the feeling that you're also internalising but that doesn't need to show out there.

I love your realistic self-talk. None of us *really* thinks grammatically correctly when the chips are down.

So, so good Tony. Feels so important to focus on t...

2010-01-22T15:00:07.222-05:00
So, so good Tony. Feels so important to focus on the strength and fortitude of the Dannys. I liked how I didn't know if this was an inner voice or someone with him. I guess inner, but it works both ways. Very well done.

Good luck with the operation, the description of your pain is eye-watering...
~Simon.

Love this Tony! As others have said, you really na...

2010-01-22T13:11:46.908-05:00
Love this Tony! As others have said, you really nailed the tension and the pacing is spot on. Super work!

You totally got in the inner dialogue of someone t...

2010-01-22T13:09:00.466-05:00
You totally got in the inner dialogue of someone trying to harass/berate their body into obeying.

Really well done!

I loved this one Tony, really powerful stuff. You ...

2010-01-22T12:20:40.798-05:00
I loved this one Tony, really powerful stuff. You captured the voice of the survival instinct so well, and I loved the ending. Brutal. xx