#FridayFlash: I Weep Not for Thee

#FridayFlash: I Weep Not for Thee

by Tony Noland

Summer had stopped her involuntary sobbing a few minutes ago; the tendons in her neck stood as she worked her jaws, clenching hard. As each lamp went by on the shoulder of the highway, the blue-white light through the passenger window slashed at her, casting misshapen shadows across her distorted face. Flash, flash, flash... she cycled from smooth, silhouetted beauty to clenched, glare-lit fury and back again.

She wiped at her face, pushing the tears away. Her eyes were swollen and her cheeks were raw, but they were dry again. His quilted varsity jacket was far too large for her; the turned-up collar made her head appear oddly small and doll-like.

Dean tried to keep his eyes on the road, tried not to look at her.

The silence stretched as he drove, broken only by the mellow contralto voice of the GPS gently warning him that his exit was coming up in one mile. ETA to Summer's house - eighteen minutes, forty seconds. More than an hour since they left the party at the farmhouse, and she hadn't said a word. She'd gone from stone-faced immobility to weeping, but even that was over now.

He felt he had to say something. He only had eighteen minutes left, and then he would never be able to talk to her again.

"Summer..." he said, "I'm sorry."

She didn't look at him.

After a moment, she said, "So am I." At any other time, he might have called her voice calm or steady. Now, it just sounded... flat.

He took the exit, listened to the GPS talking about his next turn, some three miles ahead.

"You know," he said, "Rick was drunk even before he started on the pot." It had sounded more consoling in his head.

She turned to face him, her jaws clenched.

"So he wouldn't really have been safe to drive you home, anyway." he said. Her face didn't change, but her body fell back as she returned her stare to the road ahead.

He drove on.

The next turn came, followed by a red light. They waited.

"I thought you were going to defend him," she said. "That it was just the booze and the pot."

"Uh, no. No, I don't think I could do that. I mean..." The light turned and he had a moment to choose his words. "Look, Summer, I don't know everything about what was going on there, or how things are between the two of you -"

"Were."

"- uh, right, but from what I saw, it looked like he was... I mean, that's not the kind of thing you can defend. Especially not with ..." He let it go.

"Not with what?" Her voice was still flat, anger the only emotion behind it.

"Um, with you waiting out in the cold and all. He could have at least... come back for you, I guess. Or said something."

She sank back into the seat of the minivan, seeming to deflate into the folds of his jacket. After a time, she spoke.

"No, I don't think he was thinking about me at all." In a changed tone, she said, "Do you think he'll get frostbite?"

"Huh?"

"On his ass. Exposed skin and all that."

"Uh... I don't think it's that cold outside. It's only about forty degrees, maybe thirty five." He looked over at her, decided to risk a joke. "I think Allyson might be in for it, though. She was the one up against the car."

She scowled, and he bit his tongue at his miscalculation. Then, unexpectedly, she gave a snort.

"One can only hope," she said.

He thought about saying more, but his nerve failed him. How many times he'd hoped for just such a situation - Rick the asshole finally screwed up, Summer was distraught and in trouble and he was right there, right there! He was the hero, ready to provide comfort and a shoulder to cry on. Or at least ready to give her his jacket and a ride home. That should be a decent opening, right?

Unfortunately, he thought, things just didn't happen in real life the way they do in movies or books. Somehow, her being boiling mad was never part of the damsel in distress thing. More than an hour, and he had said hardly anything to her.

And in three more minutes he would be nothing more than a reminder of the worst night of her life.

He spent his remaining time trying, and failing, to think of some way to tell her ... something. Anything. He was still trying as he pulled into her driveway.

She sat and looked at her house for a moment. The windows were dark, and only the porch light was burning.

"Thanks, Dean." she said. "For the ride and everything. And for not... for just letting me be, you know? Not ... trying to talk. Or anything."

He flushed, hot. She knew. What a fool he was, of course she knew.

"Sure, Summer," he said. "I'm ... I'm really sorry."

She nodded without speaking, her jaws flexing and clenching. She got out and closed the car door behind her. He watched her go, seeing in the slump of her shoulders what he knew would be a long night for her.

One, two, three steps up to the porch, and she stopped. She stood for moment, then turned and came back to Dean's side of the car. He rolled down his window.

"I still have your jacket, don't I?" she said. "Do you want to come in for a minute? Give me a chance to get a sweatshirt or something, and I'll give it back."

"Sure." He killed the engine and got out. He walked with her up to her porch, and they went inside together.

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Comments and constructive criticisms welcome. Other #FridayFlash pieces can be found here

38 comments:

  1. This is a wonderful piece, Tony!

    Enjoyed the descriptions, the humor, and the sweet possibilities at the end.

    Dean's a better choice, Summer!

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  2. Loved this! I really enjoyed the emotions behind the whole thing and would like to read more about these two characters.

    Happy New Year!!

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  3. Nice writing. I enjoyed reading this piece. Reminded me of high school shenanigans all over again!
    Happy New Year!

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  4. "the mellow contralto of the GPS" - nice work

    Men are so the grass is always greener aren't they?

    Bests

    marc nash

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  5. Nice piece. Very sweet.

    '"One can only hope," she said.' - this didn't really sound high-schooly to me. I could be wrong, of course, but I figure a simple "I hope so," would have sounded right.

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  6. Funny! I think I've been in that situation, many years ago. :-)
    So much emotion. I think she had what they call a "light bulb" moment.
    Great story!

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  7. I so hope this nice guy finishes first! I loved your story, Tony. Really good descriptions and I really cared about Dean and what happens to him. ~Olivia

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  8. Great flow to this story and you ended it on just the right note, opening so many possibilities for the reader.

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  9. I could feel the emotion behind this piece. It’s well written and the characters have some good depth, even in this short story.

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  10. Thanks, everybody! This is a smaller slice of life than I sometimes work on, but the emotions are pretty intense for the people involved.

    Anton, I'll have to think about that. Maybe I'm weird, but that's how I spoke in high school.

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  11. Fantastic dialogue here Tony, and a great story all around. I hope you'll give us more of Dean and Summer's life. It sounds like it will be a nice one. Like the names too.

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  12. LOVED this: "she cycled from smooth, silhouetted beauty to clenched, glare-lit fury and back again."

    The dialogue worked very well (and for the record I spoke like that in high school too!)

    Top notch, Tony! Happy New Year!

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  13. Thanks, Mazzz!

    So, Deanna, you liked the names, eh? 8-)

    What do you think, folks... should I revisit Dean and Summer in a future story? Spoiler alert: she doesn't kiss him after she gives him back his jacket. He does use her bathroom before going home, though.

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  14. I agree with Anton that the "One can only hope" line sounds out of place. I'm around teenagers a lot and most of them today would not say that. I think we don't have any other clues as to whether she would be in the minority that might or this was intended to be in a time and place when it could have been more likely.

    Wishing you and the Friday Flash crowd a happy new year!

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  15. Not sure how, but you really made me take my time reading this, so the emotions of the characters seemed even more intense. I'm pulling for a happy ending for Dean.

    Happy New Year!

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  16. Shannon, that is one of the best things any writer can hear, that I made you go back over each phrase, looking for the subtext. It's there, to be sure, and there's more that's revealed than you see after one reading. Thanks!

    Verisimilitude of dialogue is what makes a story, Tim, so I want to get it right. Maybe I need to hang out with more teens...

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  17. Beautifully written. Ending on possibilities is perfect after the mixed emotional ride.

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  18. Tony,

    Great story! The ending brought it all together.

    Jim

    www.writersnwriters.blogspot.com

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  19. I quite liked this!

    Hmm...the "One can only hope" didn't twig as unbelievable to me. I guess we'd need to know more about what Summer is like to judge properly.

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  20. Tony,

    I had to go back and re-read too, there is a lot going on in this story!

    So well-written! You really brought out the intense and complex emotions of the situation.

    And, I tended to talk that way too when younger - I also know a lot of kids who talk this way - it opens up something about their character and personality

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  21. Draco & Jim: As is so often the case, this ending is just the beginning.

    Dana & Anne: Maybe she's a writer - that would explain the turn of phrase. ;-)

    Thanks for re-reading, Anne. I tried to bury a lot of backstory and subtext into this one. It was an exercise in restraint, an attempt to show & not tell. That comes at the risk of confusing the reader, but you guys are all pretty sharp, so I needn't worry.

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  22. Nice story, Tony. I hope this is part of something larger... I'm intrigued. Peace, Linda

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  23. very stylish dialogue, quite natural - nicely done!

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  24. Yeah, you ended on just the right note. I could feel both characters very well. (the phrase in question sounds right to me)

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  25. I'm with Mazzz. the beginning description of the car and the initial unfolding of the characters and scenario was masterful.

    Maybe I'm dense, but I want to know more about the fight and why Rick has his ass exposed.

    Intriguing and definitely want to read the next chapter.

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  26. This is a great story. I read it a couple times and absolutely loved the nuance and subtlety it contained. It's so bittersweet, filled with both despair and hope. Thank you so much for sharing. I'll definitely be back for more.

    Oh—and the dialogue is fine. Speech patterns of teenagers are as varied as any other age demographic. It sounded perfectly natural to me.

    ♥ Ash

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  27. Linda, Michael & Mark: Thanks! I worry sometimes about the dialogue when I write scenes like this. I know that people say "Uh...I mean..." a lot, but I don't want the reader to stumble over it. I intended it to convey uncertainty and hesitancy on the part of these two speakers, so I'm glad it sounded natural. I'd much rather use "Uh..." five times than something like "he said, hesitantly/reluctantly/uncertainly/timorously/carefully".

    Arcadianpoet: glad to hear you'll be back for more! Thank you for he compliment, and I'll try not to disappoint. In the meantime, feel free to read any of the previous stories I've posted.

    Peggy: Thanks for reading, and for looking forward to the next chapter. There seems to be a fair number of people who feel the same way, so maybe I'll have to return to these guys and see what happens to them.

    Maybe I'm dense, but I want to know more about the fight and why Rick has his ass exposed.

    Here's the next few lines of the story:
    "Uh... I don't think it's that cold outside. It's only about forty degrees, maybe thirty five." He looked over at her, decided to risk a joke. "I think Allyson might be in for it, though. She was the one up against the car."

    She scowled, and he bit his tongue at his miscalculation. Then, unexpectedly, she gave a snort.

    "One can only hope," she said.


    Does this explain it?

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  28. GPS? Damn spoiled kids. I ENJOY getting lost. =P

    On the other hand, wow, wow, WOW Tony. Your reveals were spot on and timed to the second. Damn I loved this. I'd read a novel written by you any day. So long as it's man talk and not gushy romance. ;)

    FAVORITE.

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  29. Carrie: On the other hand, wow, wow, WOW Tony. Your reveals were spot on and timed to the second. Damn I loved this. I'd read a novel written by you any day. So long as it's man talk and not gushy romance. ;)

    FAVORITE.


    (Tony blushes, digs toe into the dirt)

    Aw, shucks Carrie, it was just... y'know... sumthin' I wrote...

    8-)

    "Man talk". I love that! When I have my characters get gushy and romantic (as even guys do sometimes), it will be in a man talk patois, I promise.

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  30. Tony - this is very nice - i like the emotions of your two characters - it really comes out in the dialogue. That discomfort that is palpable - teen angst at its best (or worst!)

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  31. Hi Tony - I thought I'd commented on this one??
    Fantastic! I loved it.

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  32. Michelle: I'm glad you liked it; thanks for coming back to comment!

    PJ: This got me thinking about angst and the difference between teen angst and adult angst. I decided to post about it on the main page.

    Everyone: Comments on the teen angst post are welcome.

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  33. Great work... sometimes the little moments can be the most moving...

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  34. Enjoyed this, and I do think it feels authentic. It is the right thing to trust the reader. Well done.

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  35. Yep, I think most people can relate to this scenario on one level or another. Spot on and well written.

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  36. Al, Lou & G.P.: One of the things that detracts from the impact of a scene is having a hollow ring underneath. I'm glad it read well for you - thanks for reading!

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  37. Nice tight piece and two good characters

    good stuff

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  38. Really nice story - great flow great characters. I enjoyed reading this. A pleasure.

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