#FridayFlash: The Grammarian vs. TxtSpk

"LOLz!! Yr in my pwer now, G! ROTFLMFAO!!!"

The Grammarian sighed and sat down at a vacant terminal. He didn't reply to TxtSpk or make any move to disarm him. TxtSpk kept talking without waiting for a reply. It was several minutes before Lexicon City's newest supervillain even noticed that his taunts were going unanswered.

"2 superbad 4 U, G? Yr scarred to chllnge me? HA LOLz! N yr face, G! Cant stop me r evn touch me! TxtSpk FTW!!! FTFW!!!"

Giggling, TxtSpk moved his smartpad to one side, his eyes flicking from it to the Grammarian. On the screen in his hand, a stream of tweets, Facebook updates, Tumblrs, Pinterest posts, an RSS blogfeed and even LinkedIn news items flicked by, scrolling so rapidly that it resembled a flyover of some alien landscape. The shifting kaleidoscope gave TxtSpk a sickly cast, the changing colors and icons reflected off his pale, never-leaves-the-basement skin. The riot of color was in stark contast to the thirty static screens in the computer lab.

Again, the Grammarian merely sighed resignedly. He'd pursued TxtSpk to the Materials Science Building at Lexicon Polytechnic University, intending to stop his evil plan. Even though the hero knew what TxtSpk intended, he hadn't been certain of just how powerful the villain was. His methods, too, were a mystery. Why had TxtSpk broken into the Computer Science Building to work his scheme to take over the city's communications networks instead of the Computer Science Department?

Only after finally engaging in combat with him did the Grammarian understand the extent of the supervillain's true power.

"R U done yt? Done, like BBQ! BURN! LOLzzzzzz!!!!"

"All right, TxtSpk, all right... you win."

The young villain paused, disbelieving. "Wht?"

"I said you win. The world has left me and my abilities behind. No one cares about good grammar anymore; it has no place in the modern world of rapid communications."

In his chair in front of the computer, the Grammarian straightened. TxtSpk stepped back, wary and ready for a fight. The Grammarian said, "In fact, I'm tired of fighting. I know when I've lost, when there's just no point in carrying on a losing battle. However, if I'm going to concede defeat, I'll do it honorably. Honor may not be a concept that means much in this electronic, social media age, but it was a word we wrote on our blackboards every day when I was growing up."

"Blackboard? Whts a blackboard? Dont U mean whitboard? Liek in school?"

The Grammarian sighed again, a broken, beaten man. "Yes, just like that. Like I said, I want to go out with honor. Let me just log on to Twitter and I'll publicly admit defeat..."

"NO WAY!!!! TxtSpk FTW!!! Rulez! BURN! Lemme RT the shxnt outta tht! Honor SKS!!!"

With a blur of fingertaps, TxtSpk retweeted the Grammarian's surrender, crossposting to every social media and newsfeed site he could think of, including Fark, Google+ and  even to MySpace. His knuckles were white as he stared fixedly at the screen, waiting eagerly for the congratulatory RTs, Likes, and re-Pinnings. So rapt was he that he failed to notice the Grammarian's fist coming over the top of his screen.

A moment later, standing over the semi-conscious villain, the Grammarian said, "If you actually knew anything about computers beyond how to type quickly, you'd have realized that your plan was doomed to failure, TxtSpk. As soon as I realized you avoided computers that had real firewall security, I knew you wouldn't be much trouble."

TxtSpk groaned and reached for his smartpad. The Grammarian kicked it away. "I think you'd better get used to being offline for a while." With a piteous moan, the villain passed out in shock.

After the Grammarian called the LCPD to come pick up TxtSpk, he went back to the terminal.

===== Feel free to comment on this or any other post.


  1. It can be a challenge to stay reasonably literate on Twitter sometimes, especially when the thought is so big and the space so tiny! But The Grammarian is equal to the task! FTW!!!1one

  2. I think I need a translator... sigh... Thank God for the Grammarian. Peace...

  3. Hahaha, this was killer! ROFLWTFCOPTER!

  4. Grammarian's villain reads like a computer a virus. That seems right.

  5. LOL funny, thank goodness for the Grammarian! I know how he feels about text speak ^__^

  6. If I could just get my fountain pen's ink to stay on this darned screen I might be able to write something......

  7. Very well defined piece of txt and written grammar! lol

  8. I'm hoping to have the Grammarian's novel finished soon. In the meantime, he's been on my mind so much, I thought I'd give him some space in my FridayFlash this week.

    Thanks for reading!

  9. My teenage brother used to text message using five exclamation marks after each question. I soon set him straight.

    Great story, Tony.

  10. Love this! The Grammarian is just the superhero the world needs these days.

  11. A fun and interesting take on the superhero genre, Tony. The Grammarian wouldn't happen to be related to WordGirl, would he? And does he have a sidekick? Perhaps the quick and ever-faithful Interrobang‽

  12. Superb Tony! I had good laughs with this piece, and with the fear of sounding like TxtSpk I want to say FTW! indeed. Ha! The Grammarian or The Grammar Nazi as I like to call him will always (hopefully) prevail :)

  13. This is so hilarious Tony, I just love The Grammarian. As fun as every line is, the misspelling of scared is what I laughed at the most, probably because I see that so often and it irritates me to death.

  14. Oh dear Lord. When all reason fails, a sound uppercut does the job nicely.

    Grammarian RULZ!
    (sorry, couldn't resist)

  15. The more I read about the Grammarian's world, the more I can't wait to read your novel. Grammar for the win, indeed!


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