The Best Fundraising Speech Ever

Last Sunday, I had a lot of negative energy to burn off. Naturally, I used Twitter as a place to riff and procrastinate. This is how it all went down (tweets copied from my Twitter feed):

Need to write a speech, to be given in 4 hours at a fundraiser - something funny, inspiring, touching. Too bad I'm in a foul mood.
When in a mood like this, I can write funny. Snarky, snarling, boiling acid funny. But not happy, inspiring, touching funny.
How's this...
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to stand before you this evening and encourage you to give generously. You have fifteen seconds to comply.
Your presence here tonight indicates that you're already willing to be part of this effort. It also indicates that your homes are vacant.
Just consider how much we could raise tonight alone if all of you paid fair market value to get your cars back.
It brings a tear to my eye to think of how generous you all will be tonight. And if you aren't, it'll bring tears to your children's eyes.
The amount we need to raise is, I admit, considerable. It is, however, far less than the cost of surgically reattaching a thumb. Or thumbs.
To those of you who can afford to give, I say thank you. To those who feel they cannot, I hope you brought dental X-rays. Recent ones.
10 Jun
I mean, is there any here among us who would put a price on asking our spouses to identify charred remains? I would: $15,000.
In closing, let me reassure you that I am as serious as a fucking heart attack. Cough up, or else. Thank you, and enjoy your desserts.

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