6 Ways To Make Money Writing Crap

All of us would love to write a multi-million dollar best seller, but guess what? Your writing might be crap, keeping dreams of success at the bottom of a bottle of cheap scotch.

But don't despair! Here are 6 ways to make money writing crap that you can use to make your blog profitable, make your book a success and get that cute barista to remember your name.

1. Launch it into space. Take your crappy writing, etch it onto a copper plate, attach it to a deep space probe and launch that sucker. When the aliens find it, read your prose and attack Earth, who will they want to set up as suzerain over their newest colony/factory world? YOU!

2. Bikini, bikini, bikini! Put a great picture of a bikini-clad hottie on your blog, and you'll get hits no matter how bad your writing is. Ad revenue! You can also post pictures of hot guys, because some women are on the Internet, too!

3. Insult everyone on Twitter. In as shrill and whining a voice as you can muster, make the argument that you don't expect anyone who uses Twitter to appreciate or even understand your writing, let alone like it. Since people who use Twitter have short attention spans, they will only read the first couple of paragraphs of whatever you wrote before denouncing you. Controversy + free publicity + blog hits = ad revenue!

4. Sophomoric juvenilia.Use outrageous profanity and physiologically improbable sexual exhortations all the time. Regardless of what you're actually writing about, people will flock to you just to see the caged monkey stuffing poo up his nose.


5. Defend/attack homosexuality. Regardless of what you actually believe, write out a screed either defending or attacking homosexuality. Then, two weeks later, claim you had a change of heart and write a screed doing the exact opposite. When your erstwhile defenders turn on you, run to your erstwhile attackers and ask for help. Then, when the traffic is high, switch back again. Lather, rinse, repeat! (Don't bother doing this with gun control, abortion or the designated hitter rule. Played out. Trust me.)


6. Run for president. The best part about this one? You don't have to write it! Hire a ghostwriter to plunk down 80,000 words of whatever you feel like spewing, add in a few family anecdotes and you're done! But I can hear you asking, how does this make money? Easy! Find a billionaire to bankroll your campaign through a superPAC, and he or she will single-handedly funnel millions of dollars into building your profile. No matter how distasteful and pathetic you are, that river of money will keep you propped up and high profile long after you should be dead and buried. Ad revenue!

I would love it if you would leave a comment below and tell me how fantastic this advice is!

===== Feel free to comment on this or any other post.

18 comments:

  1. :) After all these years, I finally understand where I've been going wrong.

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  2. I've NEVER read such utter CRAP in ALL my LIFE!!!

    I'm going to post links to this EVERYWHERE so people can come here and tell you just how BAD this advice is!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't mean A SINGLE WORD of it! Really!

      Delete
  3. I've NEVER read such BRILLIANCE in ALL my LIFE!!!

    I'm going to post links to this EVERYWHERE so people can come here and tell you just how FANTASTIC this advice is!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I meant EVERY SINGLE WORD of it! Really!

      Delete
  4. Sorry - forgot the obligatory :D

    which, in this case, is most warranted.

    I kind loved the "...some women are on the Internet, too!"

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  5. Replies
    1. You're quite welcome, Rebecca! Tell your friends, so they can benefit from this wisdom, too!

      Delete
  6. I feel so enlightened. Perhaps you should become an advice guru! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am going to start using these tips now! I can't wait to be rolling dough!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm happy I helped make your dreams come true!

      Delete
  8. Thank you! I'm going to be the richest crap writer in the world! Yussss! *fist pump* You rock, Mr. Noland.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nice pictures, Tony. You should've added some fuzzy kittens. Everybody loves kittens. : ) Clever piece. My fave is #1.

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  10. lol, It's like I can hear you shouting throughout the post, "But WAIT! There's MORE!"

    Nice one!

    ReplyDelete

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