#FridayFlash: No Fit Food

The muse vampire recoiled, yanking its long teeth from the neck of the human. It clawed at its own throat, screaming and choking with the burning acid that it had drawn from its victim. So intense was the shock and pain that it collapsed into full, tangible visibility.

Stumbling backward, it fell over an almost-full box of blank paper and crashed against a rickety card table, sending the dusty laser printer and a long row of books to the floor. "Bird by Bird", "On Writing", "The War of Art", "Plot and Structure", "On Writing Well" and a dozen other like paperbacks fell on top of the muse vampire, along with an ink-stained mug full of expensive pens and newly sharpened pencils.

At the computer desk, the human barely reacted to this supernatural intrusion. He turned away from the screen, glanced at the writhing muse vampire with sad, defeated eyes, then returned to the webpage he was working on.

Burning, tearing agony filled the muse vampire. Instead of feeding on warm, succulent mouthfuls of delicious creativity, it was choking on the vitriol that ran in the human's veins. Instead of gaining a few weeks of peaceful undead existence at the cost of what the human would have regarded as mere temporary writer's block, this was the end. The vampire knew it would die here, howling amid the detritus of just another nobody aspiring writer.

Confusion warred with fear and pain within the muse vampire. How? How could it have been so wrong? The books on writing, the expensive pens, the literary accoutrements... even if the human was a terrible writer of derivative fan fiction and boring porn, even that low-grade creativity would have been adequate food. How...?

And then the muse vampire saw what the human had on his screen.

And with the last of its dying breaths, the muse vampire shrieked. Better that it had tried to feed from an uninspired accountant or an illiterate watcher of reality television or even from a personal injury claims lawyer! Death came from attempting to draw sustenance from this... this... this inhuman monster!

Through blistered lips, the muse vampire cursed the human, knowing that no horror it could inflict could make the human suffer any worse torment than the SoulDeath the human had already inflicted on himself. With a final, gasping convulsion, the muse vampire died and dissolved into a smoking ruin of corruption.

The human paused, listening with half an ear to the silence that had returned to his lonely room. He didn't need the printer, the pens, the paper or any of the books. Not for a long, long time... not since he strangled his own soul and killed his dreams of being a writer. With thudding, unfeeling regularity, his black heart pumped the same thick mixture of self-hatred, despair, and anti-creativity that ran in the veins of every twisted half-human of his kind.

He sighed and returned to his work of copying other people's semi-popular webpages, slapping them together with a quick MOBI format and uploading them as Kindle books under a dozen different pen names.

And in the prison torture cell of his mind, the hissing refrain went on as it always did, waking or sleeping: plagiarist... plagiarist... plagiarist...

||| Comments are welcome |||
Help keep the words flowing.

22 comments:

  1. Jeez, is it bad that I feel sorry for the vampire?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would have been mostly harmless, really.

      Delete
  2. they deserve each other! This was good fun Tony. God knows what nutrition is to be found in the veins (vains?) of a writer of high literary fiction. Maybe too rich for a vampire's blood?

    marc nash

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm sure a muse vampire could drink the blood of a literary fiction writer... it moves too slowly.

      Delete
  3. LOL! I was hoping to learn what would kill a muse vampire. Awesome stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I keep hoping this isn't based on reality, but I have a bad feeling of what the answer is.

    At least now we have an excellent answer to the question: "What's worse than draining someone of inspiration?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been the victim of plagiarism in the past. No love lost there, I can assure you.

      Delete
  5. God, that guy is such a jerk. I said I'd call the Mind Cops on him if he came around again, but I swear I've seen his car parked in the back of my mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think you have to worry about that particular muse vampire anymore.

      Delete
  6. Plagiarism has absolutely no defence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed. Go write your own crappy words, dude.

      Delete
  7. HILARIOUS! I'm totally Heinlein borrowing the idea of feeding a story vampire a plagarist as poison!

    Do you have links to any such dark works that you need help getting complaints on to remove from online ebook sellers?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you liked it!

      My plagiarism instances were a while ago. I already took care of them. Thanks, though.

      Delete
  8. Love the idea of this one, but sorry you had to go through the horrors of the awful plagiarist. Scary how one could make a muse vampire into a hero.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Making a villain into an sympathetic anti-hero... not a bad trick, eh?

      Delete
  9. Great fun and funny as well...hard for most to pull off both.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love it! You had me hooked with the first sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Curses to the plagiarist..spit..spit! Almost wish the muse vampire could have done him more damage - i want some pain action! but of course to be left without the muse and no inspiration is a fitting punishment for him.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Haha! Excellent stuff, Tony, as per.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Genius, absolute genius. I'm still smiling to myself. Fantastic work

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving a comment. The staff at Landless will treat it with the same care that we would bestow on a newly hatched chick. By the way, no pressure or anything, but have you ever considered subscribing to Landless via RSS?