Comments on Landless: #FridayFlash: Intervention

Thanks, Cynthia! The dislocation and the co...

2010-01-02T08:16:12.809-05:00

Thanks, Cynthia! The dislocation and the confusion of the reader was intentional... I hope it all made sense at the end!

Tony, loved the drama in the dialogue. Wow! I felt...

2010-01-02T07:49:29.008-05:00

Tony, loved the drama in the dialogue. Wow! I felt like a balloon filled with air and then let go. Moving up and down and side to side. Wanting to know where I was going to land, but didn't. And then the sudden stop. Whew! I loved it!

D. Paul: A valid point. It's not at all...

2009-10-18T12:05:21.485-04:00

D. Paul: A valid point. It's not at all uncommon for rape and other trauma victims to become socially withdrawn. One of the worst things about rape is that the victim's feelings of humiliation can prevent them from reaching out for counseling and emotional support.

The first year at college means being alone and away from home, away from support networks of people who really care about you. Did he tell his secret too easily? I meant to convey that Kelly had to drag it out of him, that it was not an easy thing for him to voice, even though his need to get past his denials and connect with Kelly was welling strongly within him.

Anasazistories: Yeah, it's almost as if there's a heck of a lot more to the story of what actually happened that night than he's saying, isn't there?

But the writing's good. Always good. Darned good. You got the gift.

*blush*

I had a friend that was taken in such a manner. He...

2009-10-17T21:21:12.217-04:00

I had a friend that was taken in such a manner. He always just kinda denied everything. It changed his antics for sure. Correct, terrific rendering of a potential situation facing today's youth.

Oh, but that's not the end of the story! I...

2009-10-17T21:18:54.230-04:00

Oh, but that's not the end of the story! I'd say it's really the beginning.

And I don't think it's all of that story either, though it would be unrealistic for him to tell it all at once.

He makes a pass at a girl, and her boyfriend rapes...

2009-10-17T20:38:11.963-04:00

He makes a pass at a girl, and her boyfriend rapes him? Does that happen much? I've never heard of such a thing happening. But I'm a Texas boy. Down here, they'd just beat the shit out of you. I guess what I'm saying here, Tony, is that rape part seemed implausible to me. But the writing's good. Always good. Darned good. You got the gift. And I love the entire thing in dialogue.

Great comments, guys. I can't say I'm surp...

2009-10-17T18:12:58.935-04:00

Great comments, guys. I can't say I'm surprised that this one leave the taste of ashes in one's mouth. It was an exploration in building tension from nil to way-too-high in a slow reveal. I'm trying to work on my pacing of dialogue.

Memo to self: next week should be funny, or at least uplifting in some way. People will stop coming by if my #fridayflash gets too blue.

To be the voice of dissent, I think if he went an ...

2009-10-17T18:10:36.128-04:00

To be the voice of dissent, I think if he went an entire Quarter without going to class, hadn't talked to hardly anyone in 4 months, then he wouldn't just give up his secret so readily. Gratned its Flash Fiction so you have only a limited amount of time to tell it, but it just seemed to short of a conversation to then lead to his admission.

Geeze. Doesn't he have any friends that could ...

2009-10-16T17:23:08.215-04:00

Geeze. Doesn't he have any friends that could go beat this guy to a pulp? His girlfriend is calling the police right? Oh yeah...fiction, right. Well done.

real punch of an ending there. As others have said...

2009-10-16T10:24:19.752-04:00

real punch of an ending there. As others have said, the dialogue was believebale and I think that whats really makes the impact of the ending work.

Poor kid. Well written dialogue only piece. But no...

2009-10-16T09:43:28.244-04:00

Poor kid. Well written dialogue only piece. But now I am sad... See how your piece moved me? Peace, Linda

Wow. . . poor guy.

2009-10-16T09:23:45.885-04:00

Wow. . . poor guy.

Well done, depressing ending. Obviously, not the e...

2009-10-16T09:15:21.819-04:00

Well done, depressing ending. Obviously, not the end of the story for him!

Super surprise ending, and, as others have said, o...

2009-10-16T05:15:03.616-04:00

Super surprise ending, and, as others have said, obviously not the "end of the story".
Great job!

Was going to make a lighthearted comment about you...

2009-10-16T04:59:45.113-04:00

Was going to make a lighthearted comment about your managing to cram in just about every possible social media reference within one piece of flash. But you bummed me out (no pun intended).

Very good dialogue, very believable (I've take...

2009-10-16T04:07:50.995-04:00

Very good dialogue, very believable (I've taken part in some similar ones in my university days, thankfully not for the same reason of course)

Sort of a downer ending, but leaves room for expan...

2009-10-16T01:32:59.969-04:00

Sort of a downer ending, but leaves room for expansion or a sequel to see how he deals with it.

*goes to read more of your flash fiction*

Well, obviously not the end of the story at all, i...

2009-10-16T00:16:59.577-04:00

Well, obviously not the end of the story at all, is it.

As the mom of two new college graduates, this reads way too close to home to a ton of “What’s new?” “Not much.” conversations we had over the years - just glad we never got to the same punchline!