Comments on Landless: #FridayFlash: Racist Bastard

Susan: It's not uncommon for Asian-Amer...

2009-11-22T17:44:31.717-05:00

Susan: It's not uncommon for Asian-Americans to use a Western name rather than the Asian name they were born with. Among some folks of Asian descent, this is sometimes a convenience to avoid having their name mispronounced for the next 40 years, or an express of a desire for community or a purposeful move for assimilation in order to facilitate professional advancement.

However, those with a strong exclusionary sense of ethnic or racial identity consider this co-existence with Caucasians as a victimized subjugation of culture - a sell-out. If you want to be nasty, you call such people who use Western names Twinkies - yellow on the outside, but white on the inside. This would be analogous to the epithet used by people with a strong exclusionary sense of African-American identity, i.e. Oreo - black on the outside, white on the inside.

Wow. Very careful development of the characters in...

2009-11-22T17:43:55.668-05:00

Wow. Very careful development of the characters in this piece.

Without being blatant about it you introduce a small doubt in the reader's mind about the MC - and the object of his distain and slowly let it grow as the MC revels himself (and the disgruntled ex-employee also).

Very good craft - without the craft being visible. Very well done.

You kept me reading but I got a little confused wi...

2009-11-22T15:45:55.672-05:00

You kept me reading but I got a little confused with the names, esp. Roger, since it was an Anglo name when the other Asians had Asian names. I had to go back once to check that he was also Asian. You know I'm s critical bitch so keep that in mind when reading my comments. I read through and liked the ending. Keep experiementing.

For being thrown together as you claim, it was sti...

2009-11-21T18:01:18.477-05:00

For being thrown together as you claim, it was still deep and awesome. Just saying. Good luck in Nano.

I echo Mazzz's comment about getting the reade...

2009-11-20T15:24:14.006-05:00

I echo Mazzz's comment about getting the reader to side with the narrator, then the tables being turned. The rant of the narrator, unfortunately, sounds too close to real conversations I've heard--said aloud. You captured the flow and "logic" well. Bravo for tackling this!

A sad testament to what's wrong in the world. ...

2009-11-20T14:50:39.153-05:00

A sad testament to what's wrong in the world. As Linda said, he needs a mirror.

Excellent story. It's a good look at how racis...

2009-11-20T13:33:43.404-05:00

Excellent story. It's a good look at how racists really see the world, and how they're the ones who always seem to shout about racism first.

Nice piece, Tony. Racism is an insidious beast and...

2009-11-20T12:00:30.718-05:00

Nice piece, Tony. Racism is an insidious beast and I think you nailed it. Good luck with you NaNo project, I'm still plugging away too.
~chris

I 've hung with these people - you have the ri...

2009-11-20T11:18:59.211-05:00

I 've hung with these people - you have the riff cold . well done.

Obviously, this was a departure from talking eagle...

2009-11-20T10:49:12.208-05:00

Obviously, this was a departure from talking eagles and nice, clean Lutheran jokes. I wanted to experiment with an unreliable narrator, but one that doesn't realize he's unreliable.

Thanks to all for the comments, and especially to Laura, Trev and Jeff for the technical observations. The pacing, punch and overall feel can be improved here, but this was a relatively quick effort as I gasp along with NaNoWriMo.

Nice arc. Nice pacing of that arc. Nice internal d...

2009-11-20T08:33:39.729-05:00

Nice arc. Nice pacing of that arc. Nice internal dialogue.

Maybe it's just me, but I was dying for a break or two, a shot of dialogue, or a quick description of something seemingly unrelated but symbolic. The internal dialogue almost became monotone to me.

But maybe I'm just a picky bastard.

Jeff Posey

I liked the emotional simmer maintained here. I ex...

2009-11-20T07:48:05.971-05:00

I liked the emotional simmer maintained here. I expected full on rage at some point, yet I wasn't disappointed by it's absence.

Your MC needs a mirror... as usual, you hit on a h...

2009-11-20T07:04:40.126-05:00

Your MC needs a mirror... as usual, you hit on a hot spot in our society. Love the way you worked the hypocrisy. Maybe don't come out of the gate quite so stridently, really let it build. Super piece. And I'm glad you changed it up and went beyond the black-white thing. Peace, Linda

I loved the flow of this, how smoothly you take us...

2009-11-20T06:38:38.981-05:00

I loved the flow of this, how smoothly you take us from agreement to the realization that the narrator is the one blinded by bias. Very well done.

2009-11-20T06:38:38.138-05:00

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Cool piece, flowed very well, from getting the rea...

2009-11-20T06:31:45.937-05:00

Cool piece, flowed very well, from getting the reader to side with the narrator against Carruthers, and then slowly, as the narrator gets more insensed, the tables are turned

Wow, I like how you slowly revealed the character ...

2009-11-20T04:22:15.677-05:00

Wow, I like how you slowly revealed the character bias of the MC and exonerated the antagonist by the end.

Disgruntled ex employees are a dangerous lot. Sometimes their damage extends far beyond themselves.

Nice piece.