Comments on Landless: #FridayFlash: Pot of Gold (revised)

Took me a while to get here, but worth it. Very fu...

2010-08-31T21:52:13.352-04:00

Took me a while to get here, but worth it. Very fun--wouldn't call it space opera, though. Thanks for the share :)

I agree, this version is cleaner, more precise. I...

2010-01-25T06:47:41.586-05:00

I agree, this version is cleaner, more precise. I liked the coffee cup detail.

I love the Captain, his knowing his crew so well, ...

2010-01-20T17:50:30.801-05:00

I love the Captain, his knowing his crew so well, the coffee cup is a homey touch. Because the Captain was calm, I stayed calm throughout. I'm glad we got one over on the aliens. Cool idea, nice story.

PJ & Eric: thanks for the comments &...

2010-01-18T20:07:24.687-05:00

PJ & Eric: thanks for the comments & critique! The story is improved, but I think still needs work. The main idea in this story is that the aliens tried to dupe the Earthlings, and the Earthlings turned the tables. To convey that requires a bit of backstory about what the scam was supposed to have been, and how it was avoided.

In the past, I've been terrible about having massive narrative-killing infodumps plopped in the middle of my stories. I'm trying to avoid that here, but am still a bit short of the mark.

Phil's Christmas Present was one where I gave the backstory with a fairly light touch, so it was a bit of a proud moment for me.

Still more honing to do with those skills.

This version is definitely more streamlined--easie...

2010-01-18T12:45:42.646-05:00

This version is definitely more streamlined--easier to understand. I did enjoy the first version, but this one is better. It was a very entertaining read. Great story!

I haven't read the original (i'll go back ...

2010-01-17T23:50:35.274-05:00

I haven't read the original (i'll go back & read it after i comment), so this is a fresh read. My impression is that i like the premise very much but i felt it was a bit lacking in something ... emotion or excitement. It just seemed a bit flat to me. The explanation at the beginning is necessary but seems a bit long and by reworking it in an active voice it would have more impact. I found myself getting stuck on some details - like how could he drink coffee in zero gravity? how would it stay in his cup (although i like the velcro!). I got confused as to how the chiorran's ships were destroyed. And i was a bit confused by the ending - did the captain know all along what the outcome would be? he seems quite nonchalant. Those are my first impressions - i definitely like the concept, i think it's a great story, it's just in the details that i got a big bogged down. I hope this helps :-)

Maybe I've just lived with it a bit too long, ...

2010-01-17T22:14:09.583-05:00

Maybe I've just lived with it a bit too long, and walked it through the makeover once too many times.

I can certainly feel a lot of improvement. I think I cured a lot of the info-dump in the first few paragraphs. The background is still there, but interleaved with more stuff about the captain, views from inside his head, etc. That helps.

However, I think it's lost a bit of spark in the revision. Or is that just my imagination, because the two are side by side as original and more tightly re-tuned?

I dunno... maybe I'm trying to force this in a certain direction, and it's losing something in the transition.

Well yeah, I liked the first one too. :) On this ...

2010-01-17T22:01:49.374-05:00

Well yeah, I liked the first one too. :)

On this one it's less cluttered, and I noticed more details. But I'm not one that had a problem before.

Calm under fire while jacked up on caffeine - that...

2010-01-17T20:59:04.821-05:00

Calm under fire while jacked up on caffeine - that's a neat trick.

You've also received some serious critique, something I don't see often in the fridayflash circle. That's pretty cool. Keep up the good work.

Oops, yes sorry Tony. I missed that the Velcro was...

2010-01-17T18:57:14.686-05:00

Oops, yes sorry Tony. I missed that the Velcro was still there in para 5! Glad about this-it definitely belongs!

I enjoyed version one of Pot of Gold, but I think ...

2010-01-17T16:58:41.869-05:00

I enjoyed version one of Pot of Gold, but I think the changes have had a positive effect: The pacing is more relaxed in this revision, the detail clearer. I liked the Heath Robinson detailing in version one of the velcro (wonderfully out of place on a high tech spaceship bridge), which gave the piece humour and made me warm to the captain - that's vanished in this piece. In rephrasing the telemetry line you've clarified it's meaning and removed the part which I found funny (I read it as the captain not knowing what telemetry was - which made me identify with him as I don't either). But I think the piece benefits from the clarifications - it feels more complete, more accomplished. It reads well and I think it's very good!