Comments on Landless: #FridayFlash: Pot of Gold

I love a good turn of the tables. hehe Well done! ...

2010-01-16T18:30:28.908-05:00

I love a good turn of the tables. hehe Well done! Amazing work.

Hi, guys, thanks for the Saturday reads & comm...

2010-01-16T17:36:05.767-05:00

Hi, guys, thanks for the Saturday reads & comments!

I haven't done a sci-fi in a while, so I thought it was time to refresh those skills a bit. I can recommend working outside your comfort zone - it builds your chops.

Lily: yeah, I was thinking of Stargate (the silly movie, not the silly TV shows) a bit. Hard to do this kind of story without the context of the billion previous doorway to another world scenarios, going right back to Alice and the looking glass.

Anton: and you know, that was just an afterthought. I wrote the piece, and the ending was too anticlimactic. It needed some kind of a punch. I thought it might be nice to indicate that the humans had actually considered the possibility that they might have to deploy diplomats instead of nukes. 8-)

I loved the last line. There's your pay-off. I...

2010-01-16T17:00:45.407-05:00

I loved the last line. There's your pay-off. I am such a gag-whore.

Didn't 100% agree with JW's comments but I agreed about 80% and mainly on the important stuff.

I like that you can write with such versatility. ...

2010-01-16T16:58:14.578-05:00

I like that you can write with such versatility. I enjoyed the story, it was interesting and fun to read!

Good SF is hard to come by, so I'm discovering...

2010-01-16T16:42:51.117-05:00

Good SF is hard to come by, so I'm discovering. This one was loaded with cool stuff, although I thought a bit derivative of Stargate. But then they're a bit derivative of Star Trek, etc.

One thing that did pull me up a bit is why the crew was all-male?

I loved that the mothership was named after Obama - nice touch!

The smallest of gestures means the most. Loved th...

2010-01-16T16:39:40.022-05:00

The smallest of gestures means the most. Loved the line about waiting being hard for young men. Well done, sir!

CD

NUKE'EM!!! Good stuff Tony, you appear to be g...

2010-01-16T13:08:12.797-05:00

NUKE'EM!!!
Good stuff Tony, you appear to be giving the hernia the finger!

And I too am in awe of Mr Wiswell's critiqueing skills (and of course inclination).

Wow, great input from Wiswell. Detailed and though...

2010-01-16T12:08:47.736-05:00

Wow, great input from Wiswell. Detailed and thoughtful. Anyone should feel welcome receiving clear, professional critique. Often editing our own work is a challenge, and another eye helps a great deal.

I agree with passive voice comment, one area that irks me. Too much passive weakens the paragraph. Be bold. While beginning may be clunky, the middle makes up for it.
-David G Shrock

Descriptive and action packed. I'm impressed ...

2010-01-15T20:59:24.019-05:00

Descriptive and action packed. I'm impressed with the breadth of your writing abilities. This is completely different than your last two but also well done.

I've been off-line for most of the day, guys, ...

2010-01-15T19:31:46.658-05:00

I've been off-line for most of the day, guys, so I've been unable to thank you all for reading and for the great comments.

Here's a really, really simple mission statement for me as a writer: I will always try to keep you coming back for more.

So, for John, Jeff, Michael, Skycycler and everyone else who has ever been on the receiving end or the delivering end a detailed critique, I salute your commitment to your craft. You cannot get better if you don't know what you're doing poorly. And the goal is to get better, right?

Tony, you're positively welcome. I concur with...

2010-01-15T18:29:28.971-05:00

Tony, you're positively welcome. I concur with Mr. Posey and Mr. Solender that your reception is the mark of a mature and professional writer. I get sweaty palms when my work is critiqued, which is one reason I was hesitant to leave you so much feedback. But you do ask for it at the end of every #fridayflash every week, so I wanted to give it the time at least one of these Fridays. I'm glad it sounds like you found this useful.

Peggy's comment is most flattering. Personally, I think I have a lot left to develop in my own writing. I can only offer detailed feedback because I scrutinize myself so often (and yet I still miss so much). I've been trying to leave very detailed feedback for one person per #fridayflash, since this is a community of writers, but the brainpower and spare time is so hard to come by, especially when you're trying to finish your own stuff! Maybe I'll try out Miss Cleavenger's place next week.

Cheers all! This #fridayflash is a wonderful community.

What a fantastic Scalzi-esque story. I love the t...

2010-01-15T18:14:17.507-05:00

What a fantastic Scalzi-esque story. I love the twist of opening the Pot of Gold near Jupiter's Gravity well. Although it obviously would've sucked if it was full of peaceful gifts of technological prosperity:-)

This was amazing! so many details about their weap...

2010-01-15T16:01:43.052-05:00

This was amazing! so many details about their weapons and fighting.

I loved the Obama reference and the final line, "diplomatic attache" not needed!

go get 'em!

Wow. You produced all this in one day! I enjoyed ...

2010-01-15T15:57:54.829-05:00

Wow. You produced all this in one day!

I enjoyed the story. Then I enjoyed the comments. John's critique was lucid and your response was mature. I like this - it's good for us all. Things that made me laugh:

"...the telemetry said whatever it was supposed to do."

"Charlton detached his mug from the velcro..."

"Send the missiles back through that gate or portal or whatever it is..."

This is the kind of captain I hope we have at the helm when the Chiorrans arrive!

Tony, another very entertaining story. I love your...

2010-01-15T15:48:22.255-05:00

Tony, another very entertaining story. I love your creativity and the way your story flows. I may not have the expertise that John Wisell might have, but I think you write to please the reader, which is the way you should write. I loved it!

Sounds like you are having hernia problems. Have you had the surgery, yet? Mine was Jan. 12, 2006. No picnic!

You caught my attention with "Barack" an...

2010-01-15T14:07:09.949-05:00

You caught my attention with "Barack" and I was curious to see where that was going. I'm not at my sharpest today but I really enjoyed this. I appreciate the critiques because they help us all.

All in all, I kept thinking, I want to be on that ship. Get me out of here! I'm ready to go exploring and you gave me a glimpse.

Loved the last paragraph. Humans really would rath...

2010-01-15T13:51:44.835-05:00

Loved the last paragraph. Humans really would rather fight first. They picked the wrong planet. :)

Great ride Tony! I agree with Scott - it's the...

2010-01-15T13:31:41.472-05:00

Great ride Tony! I agree with Scott - it's the Captain's personality,and voice, that really makes this piece. Good job.

I was a tad worried at first because there is a lo...

2010-01-15T11:21:07.753-05:00

I was a tad worried at first because there is a lot of exposition up front... but as soon as I hit "And so here we are, the Captain thought..." the story really picked up.

What I enjoyed most was the Captain's personality. You did a good job of showing us who he was with his brief dialog. He's the kind of guy who doesn't waste words and has no problem staying calm in a crisis.

Tony - way to shoulder the load and you won't ...

2010-01-15T09:27:57.304-05:00

Tony - way to shoulder the load and you won't find a better tutor than the wiz. I'm coming off some public crit of late that at first had me redfaced and then i realised it too like this was spot on so I take it with a sobering thank you. we all do others favors by sharing input - better work is all our goals i'm sure.

Your tale per usual enjoyable and like others am very glad to know there is coffee in space

Naming a ship the "Barrack Hussein Obama"...

2010-01-15T08:45:31.056-05:00

Naming a ship the "Barrack Hussein Obama" was one of those details that propelled me forward (and made me giggle).

Ah, to cut thru like John Wiswell. I reread the first few paragraphs a couple times, trying to keep track of what was happening and almost got lost. The action in the middle though grabbed me, and the idea behind the story was original and exciting.

I think John W should stop writing his own works and come help the rest of us improve. Just saying.

Loved Wiswell's crit. He's right on. And y...

2010-01-15T08:20:48.309-05:00

Loved Wiswell's crit. He's right on. And your response to that shows your professionalism, Tony. That's one reason I keep coming back.

The main thing I like about the story is the turnabout. Made me wonder what might have happened in, say, Africa 150+ years ago when the slavers showed up and the natives nabbed them instead. Good futuristic sci-fi makes you think things like that.

I, too, thought they were goners! But I've se...

2010-01-15T08:07:52.354-05:00

I, too, thought they were goners!

But I've seen enough movies where there's always a surprise kick-arse move that saves the day. You did not disappoint with the retaliatory blow!

I also agree with anyone here who is relieved that coffee still hits the spot.

Oh man, I thought we were all gonna die, and then,...

2010-01-15T07:55:03.286-05:00

Oh man, I thought we were all gonna die, and then, huzzah! We live to fight again another day! Great story Tony!

John: I really appreciate the depth and tho...

2010-01-15T07:41:25.555-05:00

John: I really appreciate the depth and thoughtful nature of your critique, so I want to set aside my response in a separate comment.

I'm guessing that you feel the same way I do about critiquing. Really bad stories aren't worth the effort of a full crit, since there are fundamental structural flaws. Merely lousy stories might be worth the effort, depending on how amenable the author is to objective discussion.

Good stories require the longest crits. In the 90-10 rule, that last 10% is the hardest; discussions of how to get that last 10% are necessarily more involved. I take long, thoughtful critiques as a complement, not just to the story (which you think is worth improving), but also to me as a writer (who you think is *also* worth improving).

I'm glad the piece worked for you overall. You are absolutely right about the clunky start. I was trying to convey that they'd been on station for a while, that everyone was tense, that a lot was going on, etc. The way it came out, I was trying to do too much in one sentence, and it ended up tripping over itself with all the descriptors.

I rewrote the opening many times, trying to balance enough description to provide a frame of reference, but be obscure enough to intrigue and hook the reader. More time in revision with a fresh read would have helped the piece.

I guess since I got so specific as to describe the signposts so clearly, I could have at least described the shape of the pot of gold device, and mention that it had been named by a Pollyanna politician. Fortunately for Earth, most of our leaders are hard-eyed cynics.

Swapping around genres is a great challenge for me, and it's something I recommend for any writer. Making a believable sci-fi piece this week was fun.

Thanks again, John. Cheers!