Comments on Landless: FridayFlash: Not My Intention

Buona Sera! Rachel Jewell . payday loans

Nice dialogue, both internal and external. I coul...

2009-10-25T17:43:41.817-04:00

Nice dialogue, both internal and external. I could feel the tension. Great job.

Excellent. Expertly done.

2009-10-24T12:38:11.572-04:00

Excellent. Expertly done.

I loved this line ... Dedicated, hard working, lon...

2009-10-24T11:35:20.457-04:00

I loved this line ... Dedicated, hard working, lonely, friendless students ... it painted a good, clear picture, and I immediately liked your main character and felt for him. He seemed so controlled and directed, so it was great to see him act impulsively even though he doubted himself every step of the way. Yay! He got the girl! Wonderful, thank yoU!

I think what gets me about this piece is just the ...

2009-10-24T11:19:58.617-04:00

I think what gets me about this piece is just the realness of it. You write real and raw, everyone and anyone can relate. (Great dialogue too!)

Great job, undies and all.

As someone who did not start dating until college ...

2009-10-24T09:04:07.900-04:00

As someone who did not start dating until college this hit very close to home. I could really identify with this guy. So VERY glad it worked out well for him.

The internal/external dialog thing worked well too.
~jon

Love the Talk/Think line! for the record, I would...

2009-10-24T04:46:55.905-04:00

Love the Talk/Think line!

for the record, I would have been one of those geeks too (except we had a washing machine in our student digs!)

I like the suggestion that it might have been more than just a date or two ("Years later...") - that would certainly have got her mum's knickers in a twist

Another great piece Tony!

2009-10-23T21:53:53.651-04:00

Another great piece Tony!

Linda said: And so true that only losers...

2009-10-23T21:48:50.797-04:00
Linda said: And so true that only losers hang out in the basement laundry (I know - I was one of those geeks)

And I wrote this scene with such ease and familiarity because... because... I... I knew guys like this! Yeah! I knew guys like this! Other guys! Not me! Other guys!

You brought me back to my awkward college years. L...

2009-10-23T21:36:21.348-04:00
You brought me back to my awkward college years. Loved the 'actual book' and 'actual notes'. And so true that only losers hang out in the basement laundry (I know - I was one of those geeks). Great story. Peace, Linda

Yeah, the internal dialogue reminded me I must try...

2009-10-23T18:17:32.002-04:00
Yeah, the internal dialogue reminded me I must try to write some stuff like that myself. They worked really well instead of dialogue tags. Great characterisation as well. The first paragraph wasn’t as smooth as the others (an echo with waiting/waited and a couple of other bits), but after that it picked up and I was at the end before I knew it.

Love the play of internal and external dialogue.

2009-10-23T16:12:42.171-04:00
Love the play of internal and external dialogue.

I'm thrilled that everyone seems to like the w...

2009-10-23T15:40:13.433-04:00
I'm thrilled that everyone seems to like the way R.J. is squirming inside, and the Think/Talk bypass, too.

One thing that I'm a bit surprised about is that the racial twist that I put in seems to be not nearly as much of a twist as the fact that a goofy dork like R.J. seems to have caught the heart of Teegan, at least to the extent of a first date.

In light of the comment by Anasazistories... how do you see Teegan? Her promise to her mom suggests that she isn't white. Out of curiosity, how do you see her? Black? Asian? Latina? Indian? Other?

Awesome! I just wished you hadn't captured my...

2009-10-23T15:37:33.140-04:00
Awesome! I just wished you hadn't captured my college days quite so accurately!

That talk/think phrase is golden. Sums that awkwar...

2009-10-23T15:09:58.641-04:00
That talk/think phrase is golden. Sums that awkward state of mind perfectly. You capture attitude very well in your characters.

Enjoyable familiar slice captured well, and a smoo...

2009-10-23T14:56:49.528-04:00
Enjoyable familiar slice captured well, and a smooth read. What about "Talk" and "Think" in italics? It works as is.

Thanks for sharing this one.
-David G Shrock

I agree - great job with internal and external dia...

2009-10-23T14:03:03.068-04:00
I agree - great job with internal and external dialogue together. And I love that line too "...straight to Talk without passing Think".
Good read Tony!

I have so been there. You captured the self doubt...

2009-10-23T12:33:21.143-04:00
I have so been there. You captured the self doubt perfectly. Awesome piece.
~chris

Great internal dialogue going on at the same time ...

2009-10-23T12:27:05.878-04:00
Great internal dialogue going on at the same time as external. Nice and believable!

"...he would marvel at going straight to Talk...

2009-10-23T11:36:04.680-04:00
"...he would marvel at going straight to Talk without passing Think."

Such a great line, I love it.

The internal dialogue, contrasted with the external, is terrific. There's a great dynamic tension between them which accentuates the tension R.J. feels dealing with Teegan (now he's noticed she's a "girl").

Very well done.

Ah, yes, it was fun to revisit the awkward self-im...

2009-10-23T10:25:32.789-04:00
Ah, yes, it was fun to revisit the awkward self-immolation of being swept up by an impulse and asking a girl out. Real-life horror stories of fear and humiliation, played out daily...

Glad you liked it, guys!

Great internal and external dialogue. He should gi...

2009-10-23T10:23:03.398-04:00
Great internal and external dialogue. He should give himself credit: He tried to not pass Think and go straight to Talk.

A racial twist, eh? It could be taken any number of ways. I knew a girl once, yes a white girl, who didn't want to date white guys because she thought they were jerks more often. So what if she promised her Mom that she wouldn't date white guys? Your twist might not be what we, as readers, think.

Jeff Posey

Great tension, yikes! I was biting my nails for hi...

2009-10-23T09:58:35.684-04:00
Great tension, yikes! I was biting my nails for him. Your characters are so real and unpredictable. Very nice :-)

HAHA! - I like this story. I like the nicknames, ...

2009-10-23T09:40:35.039-04:00
HAHA! - I like this story. I like the nicknames, the casual glances, and then the impulse. That's how it usually happens, you mouth is talking and your brain is screaming the opposite!

I liked how you showed him berating himself even a...

2009-10-23T06:30:03.611-04:00
I liked how you showed him berating himself even as he asked her out. And she was a real girl, elastic on the panties and everything.

Nice work.