Comments on Landless: #FridayFlash: Phil's Christmas Present

I really liked this story. Love the way smoking si...

2011-05-30T03:22:20.877-04:00

I really liked this story. Love the way smoking signifies his apathy, his lack of consideration for everyone else's suffering.

Where did the idea come from with the present?

What a great resource!

2010-01-23T05:27:06.482-05:00

What a great resource!

Chance & Tim: Thanks for reading, and f...

2009-12-30T18:25:07.316-05:00

Chance & Tim: Thanks for reading, and for your comments. I'm not familiar with the expression "a bit wet"... does it mean weepy, sloppy, overly sentimental? Very glad I was able to avoid that!

Lovely and touching. A very nice present we all ca...

2009-12-30T15:33:32.149-05:00

Lovely and touching. A very nice present we all can hold.

very nice piece of prose, this could of so easily ...

2009-12-30T05:26:11.579-05:00

very nice piece of prose, this could of so easily gone 'a bit wet' but thankfully delivered well

good stuff

Donna - Amazing when a story hits home like that -...

2009-12-28T21:29:41.539-05:00

Donna -
Amazing when a story hits home like that - I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tony -
I think it's great to experiment with different POV's, voices, etc. I made a great discovery about one of my characters in my nano novel by rewriting in first person. I love the story as-is. The only reason why I mention it is that the voice of your mc would be very compelling and 1st person might lead you to make cool discoveries. You're right, I think you may need to stay in present tense for the last bit, but that would be fine. Anyway - all of this is just food for thought - I like the story very much :-)

Donna: I'm sorry for your loss, and tha...

2009-12-28T09:45:58.098-05:00

Donna: I'm sorry for your loss, and that the burden of grief was too great for your father to overcome. Sometimes it's our capacity for love and devotion that ends up hurting us the most.

Your advice is sound. Sorrow festers when it's held in isolation.

I try to draw on reality as I write, because that is where truth lives. Unfortunately, sometimes reality is a bitter draft.

I'll try to write something happier this week.

Tony, you've made me cry. I'm thinking ab...

2009-12-28T09:36:15.478-05:00

Tony, you've made me cry. I'm thinking about my father, during the 6 years after my mother died unexpectedly and he was on his own. He never did "gt it", never rejoined the living before he finally dies of cancer in 2006.

All you men out there, here's a tip. We know you love us. If you lose us, you need to know we loved you too. Just keep on living.

That's an interesting thought, P.J. One...

2009-12-28T09:22:14.037-05:00

That's an interesting thought, P.J. One of the writing exercises in Ursula Le Guin's "Steering the Craft" is to write a scene, then retell it in a range of tenses & POVs. 1st past, 3rd past, 3rd present, person A's perspective, person B's, outside observer, present tense, etc. omniscient, limited, unreliable narrator, etc.

I did it once... it's a good exercise, and it helps to work muscles you aren't accustomed to using.

I'm not sure how this piece would sound done in 1st. The change in emotional state after the realization means that it would have to be done in present tense: "I stare at the package and think, what the frak?". Later it would be: "The tears roll down my face as I understand, as I finally get it."

If it were done in the past tense, it would be hard to maintain the emotional authenticity of the loneliness and bleak despair in the face of the renewed hope. "I thought I was alone, that it didn't matter what I spent my money on." Sounds bit wooden, as the narrator would have to be a bit unreliable, in order to let the tension build toward the emotional release of the redemption.

Something to think about.

I liked this one very much, Tony. You do go throu...

2009-12-27T23:37:22.928-05:00

I liked this one very much, Tony. You do go through a lot of back story but it keeps moving throughout. I like the overall message and the ending. It would be interesting to see this done in first person. This 3rd person is very close and intimate, but it would be interesting to hear it and feel it in your mc's voice. Well done!

I think it's all about trusting the reader,
2009-12-26T17:37:44.375-05:00
I think it's all about trusting the reader, Ganymeder. When I first started writing, I was afraid the reader wouldn't get the point, or would get the wrong point. I spelled out everything.

I've since learned that people not only appreciate it when you credit them with intelligence, they also dislike being spoon-fed like children.

Restraint is still hard, though.

I liked how you wrapped everything up so nicely an...

2009-12-26T14:00:48.941-05:00

I liked how you wrapped everything up so nicely and didn't spoon feed the moral to the reader. Nicely done.

Thanks, Olivia! There was a lot of bouncing...

2009-12-26T08:44:51.509-05:00

Thanks, Olivia! There was a lot of bouncing around in time here - his memories of the far past, the recent past, the passage of years & decades. All of it was scattered in a jumble of thoughts and images. The price of a pack helped to frame things.

I had to rewrite this a number of times to get the tone right. For example, the only line of spoken dialogue here was from his wife, speaking in a memory from long ago. Everything else is his own internal, fragmentary monologue. I was trying to show that she was the only real thing in his life.

From a mechanics standpoint, I changed the wife's name from Helen to Ellen, and the daughter from Carolyn to Caroline. Do these changes matter? That's question worthy of a blog post all by itself, so look for that soon. I do appreciate having technical mistakes pointed out to me. I don't mind having it done in a comment; that will be all the more incentive for me to copyedit the next story even more carefully.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Tony, I always enjoy your stories, but this one wa...

2009-12-26T07:40:23.669-05:00

Tony, I always enjoy your stories, but this one was extra special. There are some really great touches here, such as using the price of cigarettes to show the passing of time, and using "present" in its various Christmas incarnations. It's a very touching story, but more than that, it's well told. One minor fix, in the paragraph where he considers stealing from the cookie jar, you use the name Helen, instead of Ellen. Other than that, the story's pitch perfect. And on a final note, Merry Christmas to you! ~Olivia

this is a very poignant story and the ending wa...

2009-12-25T22:34:38.503-05:00
this is a very poignant story and the ending was just right.

Thanks, Kim!

Go back and take a look. Inside the box was a small present made of wood. His daughter was giving him a gift: the present. Come back to us, Dad, she was saying. We love you and we miss you. Your present is waiting for you.

A bit on the sweet side, but what the heck. If you can't be sweet and kind at Christmastime, when can you do it?

I thought it was interesting when you wrote severa...

2009-12-25T19:40:49.618-05:00
I thought it was interesting when you wrote several sentences about cigarettes and then wrote about how little "breathing room" there was in the apartment. I had to go back and re-read to understand that the present was a totally empty box, but then I have to think far too long about the punchline of jokes.

Seriously, this is a very poignant story and the ending was just right.

Linda: I'm so glad you liked it! I know...

2009-12-25T17:05:43.348-05:00
Linda: I'm so glad you liked it! I know that I'm headed in the right direction when I hear comments like "best to date".

Merry Christmas!

Bravo, Tony! I can see why you were so excited ab...

2009-12-25T16:14:05.829-05:00
Bravo, Tony!

I can see why you were so excited about this piece all week -- super, just super. This struck nerves on so many levels... so many... Thank you for writing this. Your best to date. Peace, Linda

John: Thank you! When a story evokes an emo...

2009-12-25T16:08:11.118-05:00
John: Thank you! When a story evokes an emotional response, that's great. When it goes about pushing emotional buttons in a ham-handed way, that's sentimentality.

Anton: And a Happy Christmas to you, too!

He's going to feel pretty dumb when he finds t...

2009-12-25T15:20:56.582-05:00
He's going to feel pretty dumb when he finds the secret catch that opens it to reveal the carton of cigarettes inside. ;)

Tony, this is probably my favorite of your #friday...

2009-12-25T13:20:03.601-05:00
Tony, this is probably my favorite of your #fridayflashes to date. It is sentimental, but lives worth living are built with sentiments. Instead of merely being sentimental, though, you partially explained and partially showed why the sentiment had meaning, rendering it very relatable and pleasant, as many hankies as it might take the main character to get through it.

Elizabethditty: Thank you! I'm glad you...

2009-12-25T12:36:46.065-05:00
Elizabethditty: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I wanted to convey that the daughter was sensitive and caring, without actually showing her at all. A bit of a trick, and it worked out pretty well.

Merry Christmas!

This was a really lovely piece. He's lucky he ...

2009-12-25T11:26:46.635-05:00
This was a really lovely piece. He's lucky he has such a wise daughter; otherwise a visit from a few ghosts might have been in order. :-) Very well done!

Well written and a very nice Christmas story, but ...

2009-12-24T19:42:58.940-05:00
Well written and a very nice Christmas story, but I missed your usual horror voice.

Tony, this was a great story! I like his memories ...

2009-12-24T10:43:39.338-05:00
Tony, this was a great story! I like his memories of the past linked to how much cigarettes cost at the time.

The "present" was very touching, and the "wisdom" of both the wife and daughter was such a great understated detail showing such sensitivity for his need to deal with his own addiction and grief.

Happy Holidays to you!

Comments on Landless: #FridayFlash: Phil's Christmas Present

I really liked this story. Love the way smoking si...

What a great resource!

Chance & Tim: Thanks for reading, and f...

Lovely and touching. A very nice present we all ca...

very nice piece of prose, this could of so easily ...

Donna - Amazing when a story hits home like that -...

Donna: I'm sorry for your loss, and tha...

Tony, you've made me cry. I'm thinking ab...

That's an interesting thought, P.J. One...

I liked this one very much, Tony. You do go throu...

I liked how you wrapped everything up so nicely an...

Thanks, Olivia! There was a lot of bouncing...

Tony, I always enjoy your stories, but this one wa...

this is a very poignant story and the ending wa...

I thought it was interesting when you wrote severa...

Linda: I'm so glad you liked it! I know...

Bravo, Tony! I can see why you were so excited ab...

John: Thank you! When a story evokes an emo...

He's going to feel pretty dumb when he finds t...

Tony, this is probably my favorite of your #friday...

Elizabethditty: Thank you! I'm glad you...

This was a really lovely piece. He's lucky he ...

Well written and a very nice Christmas story, but ...

Tony, this was a great story! I like his memories ...